Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
Me: I bet it was to compliment my excellent driving. You’re so sweet to give me positive reinforcement. Bye now. *drives off*
No selfies while hijacking a train.
A dressed cheeseburger implies the existence of a cheeseburger that’s still deciding what to wear.
[Kanye at pharmacy]
*knocking basket full of baby powder out of unsuspecting shopper’s hands*
No one man should have all that powder!
He caught me making googly eyes at my phone. I could’ve avoided a fight by showing him it was just puppy gifs but I was bored.
I’m so old, I saw some kids roughhousing and bruised.
*gets b̶e̶t̶t̶e̶r̶ bitter with age*
Deck the halls
Patio the foyer
Balcony the den
Porch the bathroom
Am I doing this right?
I deduct 5% gratuity for every extra spoon my Cheesecake Factory server puts on my plate, “In case I feel like sharing.”
A Citizen’s Arrest for the next person who asks me if I’m ready for Christmas.
Throwing away any pizza crust is bad enough, but my son’s friend threw away a stuffed crust and he is no longer welcome in this house.
They don’t put calorie counts or serving suggestions on boxed wine. They know you’ve got enough problems already.
Any song can be a lullaby if you sing it gently enough.
These pit stains indicate I’ve put unrealistic expectations on my antiperspirant.
Friend: You should keep some club soda handy for your wine stains.
Me: Did you just passive aggressively call me a sloppy drunk?