back in the day, my idiot friends and i used to pump our right fists in the air and say “right arm” instead of “right on” my god how are we still alive
You Might Also Like
I like eating Nerds because I’m secretly hungry for aquarium gravel and this takes the edge off.
Her: So when you said you were going to make me happy using just your mouth…
Me: *putting down microphone* BEATBOXING IS A GIFT SARAH
Bear Grylls: We need to start a fire or we’re going to freeze.
Me: [Walks around camp quickly in corduroy pants]
Here you go!
*Steals parking spot from guy backing in*
Him:*middle finger*
Me: [rolls down window] I SEE THAT YOU’RE NOT MARRIED. I ALSO AM NOT MARRIED
beauty fades, drunken texts at 2am are forever
Facebook: I’m happy!
Instagram: I’m pretty!
Vine: I’m artsy!
Pinterest: I’m crafty!
Twitter: I’m lying everywhere but here.
Fun idea! Complimentary deodorant with each transit fare purchase.
I relate more to “Rice, rice, baby” – because Asian
I hate when someone is on the machine right next to me at the gym and I feel pressured to share these cheese fries.
“Whoa there my friend, you need to leave me out of this, this ain’t got nothing to do with me.”
–The horse they rode in on
Autoerotic asphyxiation? No thanks, I’m not much of a car guy.
Catch a baby opossum, give it a 12-hr sedative, and hide it in the glove compartment of the car of the person who’s dating your ex.
today is my son’s 3rd birthday. google let me know i had picture memories of the day. i opened it up to show him but all the pictures i took were apparently of a cannoli i ate immediately after he was born
“Hey, smell this.”
-Me, about to chloroform my feral kids before bedtime.
I ordered Chinese food last night. My fortune cookie said “LOL” and I’ve never agreed with one more.
Them: You need to get a sense of humor.
Me: You need to say something funny.
You haven’t truly made it on Twitter until someone recognizes you in the unemployment line and asks for your autograph.
When my boss asks me if I can “take a stab at this”, I always hope she’ll point to that coworker we all hate.
That awkward moment when a person says they need their beauty sleep when what they really need is plastic surgery.
CAMEL 1: Hey can u hold this for me for one sec?
CAMEL 2: I would but I kinda have a lot on my back right now..
CAMEL 1: It’s one straw Marvin don’t be like that
“I’ve lost 200 pounds in just one year.”
“Oh. CrossFit?”
“No. Gambling.”
I once dated a woman that said I used to much garlic and I got rid of that vampire right quick
If I ever marry someone who shares my intense love of puns, she’ll be my pun-kin.
“Was he better than me?”
“Joe, don’t.”
“I have a right to know!”
“No, he wasn’t better than you.”
[god appears]
“Mary, what the hell?”
“I got you, babe.”
– kidnappers
Bartender: What are you drinking tonight?
Me: A lot.
Clerk: Why do you need 200 condoms?
Me: I have a beard and an accent. *winks*
*Spends night making balloon animals
For starters, you drew your mom the same size as the house. Good enough for the fridge? I don’t even want it in my garbage.
I’m pretty sure the coupon I gave you for a $7 haircut suggests that I’m not interested in that $44 bottle of shampoo, but thank you.