To make a long story short, just walk away once you’re bored.
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I just fell over putting on my underpants. Vengeance most surely will not be mine.
Donald Trump’s chief speechwriter is a random deck from Cards Against Humanity.
I’ve updated my will…
“Being of sound mind, I spent it all.”
My wife wouldn’t let me sling shot candy at trick or treaters tonight.
This is bullshit.
I guess my package was delivered by Disney animals
An eye for an eye and a tooth for a tooth
~ realistic wedding vows
*I accidentally fall onto my computer and it logs me into Facebook* crap
*I try to get up but fall again and it causes me to type in my ex’s name* dangit
*I fall yet again and comment “your baby looks cross-eyed” on his album* oh shoot
“turn right at the corner donut shop, then left at the pink cake place, your destination is on your right beside the surprisingly good vegan bakery*
[me as a GPS]
british people be having sex like:
mmmm yes splendid ah indeed scrumptious carry on good heavens i’m arriving
My 4 year old refused his dinner but it’s ok because I caught him eating a Milkbone earlier
I don’t care about Disney lying about my Prince Charming. I’m more pissed about forest creatures and their unwillingness to clean my house.
Impress them on your first date by showing up in a shirt with their face on it.
40% of my vocabulary consists of words that I inventaciously creatified.
Stephen King ruined corn children for me
dad was helping me with my finances and used a moldy orange to represent my credit score 😕
Saw sign in yoga store: Do One Thing A Day That Scares You. So today I start raping coyotes.
[aquarium]
me: look at the chorse
wife: it’s seahorse
me: i know how to spell chorse linda
Friend just told me she got a hair trim for $80. Told her my dog groomer would’ve bathed her, clipped nails & emptied anal glands for less.
That awkward moment when someone is cooking fish in the office and all the girls begin sniffing themselves.
Raccoons use their hands more than any animal, so they’re basically the Italians of nature.
I’m going to be a ghost who haunts people with a high metabolism. Hate never dies
Husband: my back hurts
Me, cracking my neck and knuckles while speaking in a fake Russian accent: I massage you???
My girlfriend broke up with me because I kept saying “it’s a-me” before introducing myself to people
If I were Australian I’d tweet “OMG Mayan zombies eating my brain.” Then sit back & cuddle a kangaroo & look super sexy while U.S. freaked.
Sometimes I see an account celebrating big milestone after only 6 months on Twitter then I notice all their tweets are stolen and I get pissed that none of them are mine. Rude.
I think I have to give up cheese and my transformation to bitter old lady is complete
[Scooby Doo at an interview]
Interviewer: May I see your CV, Mr. Doo?
Scooby: *hands CV over* Rrres you may!
Interviewer: Round here we call it a CV.
You can add “cha cha cha” to any sentence you want without explaining yourself. Nobody really appreciates this.
Tony Hawk Pro Skater implies the existence of an evil, parallel dimension Tony Hawk Anti Skater.
I’ll go to extreme lengths to get the last bit of toothpaste from the tube but I’ll also watch 2 hrs of Nick Jr if I can’t reach the remote.