if I would’ve known that you were going to ask me what I was thinking I wouldn’t have been thinking what I was thinking.
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I save my pooping for when I’m at work so I can say “I can’t believe I get paid for this shit!”
My mother had a cure for slouching. I still flinch when there’s movement in my periphery, but I’ve got posture like a Marine.
Sometimes I answer your rhetorical questions because I think you are that stupid.
[creating flamingos]
god: here’s your legs
flamingo: can I just have 1
god: no u have to use 2
flamingo: [narrows eyes & sucks teeth] we’ll see about that
TRUE STORY: My wife and I cleaned the house last weekend and found that we both have children from previous marriages.
Hubs accidentally picked up my coffee cup this morning, took a big gulp, and spewed it out across the table. What a waste of good Scotch.
I’m more than tenacious.
I’m elevenacious.
I can tell by the dents & busted tail light on your car you are serious about making this lane change work for you come Hell or high water.
Oceanography is all about current events
Me on Masterchef: Ive made a roasted pork kebab breaded with buttermilk cornbread and served with a tomato reduction
Them: This is a corndog
A good friend bails you out of jail, a best friend is sitting in the cell right next to you, a worst friend framed both of you for murder.
[Waiting at the dentist]
*leans over to stranger*
I’ll clean your teeth for half price.
So glad that Halloween isn’t on Friday the 13th this year because that would be so 2020 am I right?
If Dean is Dean then why is Sean Shawn?
FUN GAME: when someone tells you the name of their new baby, repeat it back to them, with their surname, and say “Like the murderer?!”
did u kno that when a plane lands the first person to stand up gets to drive the plane for the next trip
If laziness was an Olympic sport, I’d probably come in fourth so I wouldn’t need to walk up to the podium.
My son couldn’t remember his head injury from the other day. That’s either a very good sign or a very bad sign.
Car names fall into two groups: those that basically say, “I’m pissed off with traffic jams so I’m gonna blow out of here and head off by myself down a dirt road.”
…And those that say “I’m elegant, civilized, and artistic.”
If you wear a ship’s captain’s hat around, people will just do what you say. I run a Starbucks, a Target, a submarine, and two street gangs.
ME: my mouth is all itchy
HER: were you in the attic again?
ME: you mean my Free Cotton Candy Room?
HER: I’ll speed dial poison control
Me: if you strike me down, I shall become more powerful than you can possibly imagine
7-11 Clerk: look man, we’re out of hotdogs, idk what to tell you
In the last day I’ve seen people across different nations and ideologies united by hatred of The Big Bang Theory. It’s a beautiful thing.
Him: *down on one knee*
Will you marry me?Me: Nah, I’m good, but…
(puts up hand up to high five) thanks for asking!
Friend: What a cute baby! Boy or girl?
Me: Guess
Friend: What’s its name?
Me: Spork
HAD LOTS OF ESPRESSO. TWEETING FROM THE MOON. I LIVE HERE NOW. IT IS NOT MADE OUT OF CHEESE.
1 OUT OF 5 STARS: NOT RECOMMENDED
I’m not saying my family watches too much tv, but our 5yo just stood up from our family campfire and asked me to pause it.
What is a ‘sexual prime’ and can I get it on Amazon?
A couple introduced me to their new born baby, “Herriot,” and I was like oh wow how old is she, 87?