Witness: and in the lead up to the trial I was being intimidated, finding dead animals left on my doorstep.
Cat lawyer: objection! How can we trust someone who doesn’t know a BRIBE when they see one?
Store policy: You break it you buy it.
Cat policy: you by it you break it.
Me: *smugly* I couldn’t name any Taylor Swift Songs
Them: I think she already named them.
I’m so good at missing early morning meetings, I can do it with my eyes closed
I’m nearly qualified to be a weaver. My final exam is looming.
My family gathered to speak to me about my obsession with the Greek gods. Call it divine intervention.
Diabetes: you’re my type.
Me: you’re my type 2
Me: I hate it when people make me wait.
Chef: Just do your job and take this to the table.
Me: NOTHING GETS DONE IN THIS HOUSE UNLESS I DO IT MYSELF!
Also me: *lives alone*
A recipe book of “traditional English meals” called ‘we’re getting the bland back together’
At the pub, it’s my job to inform people of the roots of words. I’m the designated deriver.
Me: eugh! What have you done to this food?
Them: That’s called flavour
Me, a Brit: Well, I dont like it
My neighbour keeps making cutting remarks like “you really need a better lawnmower”
My boss is getting the whole team a license to kill, hoping that we’ll Bond.
The person who pitched the puss in boots solo movie did so with ‘shrekless abandon.’