@Daveastated

Me: Not to brag but I know all of them by name.

Them: Well, they are your children; both of them.

@Daveastated

Her: I think my boyfriend’s cheating.

Friend: Oh no! Why do you say that?

Her: He’s passing his exams but he never studies.

@Daveastated

Me: Wow, I would pay to see that.

Theatre Ticket Office: Yes Sir, that’s the general idea.

@Daveastated

Them: HOW COULD YOU BE SO STUPID?

Me: To be fair, I’m probably not the best person to ask.

@Daveastated

How much rent do I pay once it’s divided equally? That is the per tenant question.

@Daveastated

Him: The will states that all of the deceased’s debts are bequeathed to the ‘ugly’ son. Who is that?

Me: I’m an only child.

@Daveastated

Her: The next person that tells me to smile is not gonna know what hit them.

Wedding Photographer: and if you could all look at the camera…

@Daveastated

*Me being held for ransom*

Kidnapper: Give us the money or you’ll see him again!

@Daveastated

Me: Wow. She has a mesmerising walk.

Him: Hypnotist?

Me: Oh hip noticed alright.