The people who choose the “healthier option” at McDonald’s get a bad wrap.
On the maternity ward is one place where you should never silence push notifications.
Someone found my missing homemade scarf, but they’ll only let me have it back if I pass a pattern- knitty test.
Me: He’s crowning!
King Charles: please don’t say it like that.
Me: *completes lifestyle questionnaire*
Life expectancy app: Well, this is awkward.
My bank doesn’t feel I’m doing enough to clear my debt but I think they should give me more credit.
The loudest sound ever recorded was the volcanic eruption of Krakatoa, so named after the 2nd loudest, someone stubbing their foot on a coffee table.
How apt that, after listening to “hold music” for an hour, I need a hug.
I’ve decided to stop using ladders. Put it down to “climb it change.”
stand with me against insufficient seating
Growing up, a lot of people had crushes on Jennifer Aniston. I just liked her as a friend.
He-man has a Masters degree
Lobster 1: I split up from Lisa.
Lobster 2: Good. That fish was cray.
The winner of the smallest pet amphibian contest was so tiny it was my newt.
Honesty is a bit of a red flag for me. Like woah! What are you not trying to hide?!