*1st day as the Dr’s assistant*
Igor: lol. for a second there I thought you said a ‘teen-building exercise’.
Dr Frankenstein: that’s correct.
*Turns on work computer*
*Enters Username and Passwords for 43 various programmes and immediately locks computer as it’s now lunchtime*
*Logs back into computer. Enters Username and Passwords for 43 various programmes and immediately closes down computer as it’s time to go*
My parents couldn’t understand how my wife could divorce me.
Until I moved back in with them.
“How about I throw in some IKEA furniture?” I say, to Sweden the deal.
Exterminator: I can’t do anything about it.
Me: but I’m infested.
Exterminator: look! you’re the one who chose to have this many kids.
*new parents*
Him: I’ve been sleeping with someone else.
Her: YOU’VE BEEN SLEEPING!!
If snot was currency we’d all end up paying through the nose.
As a project I’ve started making my own coffin. Should I be concerned that my wife keeps asking how soon I can have it ready?
There were a lot of tears when I dropped my kid back to school today. I think it’s really unprofessional when his teacher cries in front of us.
They were cold and calculating, like an Alaskan mathematician.
Me: Girl you must be tired cos you have been running through my mind ALL day!
Her: really?
Me: nah, you do look tired though.
The neighbours that overlook my garden must be religious. They’re always buying me pants with notes saying ‘for the love of God please wear these’.
PSA: when the family come to identify the body don’t yell “abracadaver” as you remove the sheet.
When I go to alcoholics anonymous my fitbit registers 12 steps.
I really upset my wife last week but she seems to have forgotten all about it. In fact she’s forgotten a few things since then, like my deadly nut allergy and the whereabouts of my epipen.