Her: I think my boyfriend’s cheating.
Friend: Oh no! Why do you say that?
Her: He’s passing his exams but he never studies.
Me: Wow, I would pay to see that.
Theatre Ticket Office: Yes Sir, that’s the general idea.
Them: HOW COULD YOU BE SO STUPID?
Me: To be fair, I’m probably not the best person to ask.
How much rent do I pay once it’s divided equally? That is the per tenant question.
Him: The will states that all of the deceased’s debts are bequeathed to the ‘ugly’ son. Who is that?
Me: I’m an only child.
Her: The next person that tells me to smile is not gonna know what hit them.
Wedding Photographer: and if you could all look at the camera…
*Me being held for ransom*
Kidnapper: Give us the money or you’ll see him again!
Me: Wow. She has a mesmerising walk.
Me: Oh hip noticed alright.
Computer: Choose a password.
Computer: Dude, this is a format tweet, don’t use your actual password.
Her: I was worried you might be a convicted serial killer. LOL
Me; HaHa, LOL. No, I was never convicted.