If snot was currency we’d all end up paying through the nose.
As a project I’ve started making my own coffin. Should I be concerned that my wife keeps asking how soon I can have it ready?
There were a lot of tears when I dropped my kid back to school today. I think it’s really unprofessional when his teacher cries in front of us.
They were cold and calculating, like an Alaskan mathematician.
Me: Girl you must be tired cos you have been running through my mind ALL day!
Her: really?
Me: nah, you do look tired though.
The neighbours that overlook my garden must be religious. They’re always buying me pants with notes saying ‘for the love of God please wear these’.
PSA: when the family come to identify the body don’t yell “abracadaver” as you remove the sheet.
When I go to alcoholics anonymous my fitbit registers 12 steps.
I really upset my wife last week but she seems to have forgotten all about it. In fact she’s forgotten a few things since then, like my deadly nut allergy and the whereabouts of my epipen.
Me: I’ve found a needle in the haystack! Only took 3 hours.
Her: no this is a 3/4 inch, I need a 5/8’s.
Me: *begins searching again* you really need a better place to store these.
‘All of me, loves all of you’
– John Legend.‘Some of me, loves some of you’
– John Average.
Me: how about we role-play?
Her: ooh you’ve been a bad boy, go sit on the naughty step for *checks time left on the show she’s watching* 23 minutes.
8: in this game I play as a goose and I have to annoy everyone, run off with things when people need them and leave a mess wherever I go!
Me: wow, I literally cannot imagine what that would be like.
Me: I’m really worried about becoming a first time dad, I’m just so forgetful.
10yo daughter: You don’t need to tell me.
An alternate Batman origin story where Bruce’s parents are slowly pushed off a ledge by Catwoman.