Dr: Are you sexually active?
Me: *cries*
Dr: Um, are you sexually-
Me: *cries harder*
Dr: …..Ok. Do you drink?
Me: YES I BLOODY DRINK
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[at work]
Carl, did you get naked when you used the bathroom?
*standing there with his shirt & pants on backwards*
“No…why do you ask?”
Am I fun? No. Interesting? No. Dateable? Yes. I’d place me late 20th century.
How you gonna accidentally send an inbound missile warning to everyone in Hawaii by “pressing the wrong button”? I had to click “are you sure you want to do this”, verify my thumbprint, and solve an algebra equation just to unsubscribe from the Mr. Belvedere fan club newsletter.
PETER PIPER: honey i picked another peck of pickled peppers
WIFE: [motioning to pantry already full of peppers] peter literally what the fu
“Where have you been all my life?”
In a secure psychiatric unit. Next question.
Pet me.
More.
Yeah, that’s it.
Everywhere.
No, not there. *opens your vein*– cats
I wonder if black ants and red ants have beef. I never see them chilling together. Ever.
I think I want to be a ballerina. Or a fire dancer. Or I want to set a ballerina on fire. I don’t know. I’m still working it out.
Make your daily standup meeting shorter
Child: I need to be dismissed from school, my stomach hurts.
Also child, after being dismissed: [orders himself DoorDash from McDonald’s at 8 PM]
Me: did you like that movie?
Toddler: yeah but we better watch it 3 times a day for the next month just to be sure.
I thought there would be a lot more happiness and sun in “The Shining.”
I was out with my young daughter and ran into a friend I’d not seen in years.
“This is Beth.” I said, introducing my kid.
“And what’s Beth short for?” he asked.
“Because she’s only three,” I replied.
I’m not saying iPhone’s are overpriced, but with the money I saved by buying an Android, I bought a Tesla, a Rolex and a trip to Hawaii.
a ladybug has entered the household. and i. am on my way to introduce myself
WTF, marathoners? I don’t even like to drive 26 miles.
When I call out the wrong name during sex, I just segue into singing Mambo No. 5.
Wow, your teeth are white.
Thanks. I’m just curious, what color were you expecting?
If you see me at a campground, that’s not me. It’s clearly a case of body snatching.
me: *after aceing my finals* that was easier than giving candy to a baby
them: don’t you mean taking candy from a baby
me: why would I take candy from a baby, you monster
Harry: Want to see a magic trick?
Voldemort: Let’s see what you got Potter.
Harry: Got your nose!
Voldemort: You know I hate that game.
Friend: Duuude it’s fuckin’ Friday ni…
Me: *already closing the lid to my hibernation pod*
Ancient Greek mathematician Archimedes is known as the Father of Math, or as I like to call him, Math Daddy.
Too tall: “How’s the weather up there?”
Too short: “How’s the weather down there?”
Average height: “I am cursed to rely on others to know what the weather is like”
Indian parents give you unmoanable names so you can focus on studies
When your body decides that was one meat lover’s pizza too many
Husband: “Did you go outside in the rain?”
Me: “No. I bathed the kids.”
WIFE: [holding newborn baby] Ive never been so proud of anything in my life
ME:[thinking about that one time I drew a perfect giraffe] same
*octopus goes in for a palm reading*
Psychic: “CANCEL ALL MY APPOINTMENTS”
As a precautionary measure, the last time my mom asked me to help with her phone, I made sure to delete the Twitter app.