Grandma: what’s oversharing?
Me: It’s when you talk about your hemorrhoid surgery on FaceBook.
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I hate people who hold grudges, but not as much as I hate my high school German teacher.
Grey Goose and Red Bull, because two sets of wings is better than one.
“If you could be anyone, living or dead, who…”
Me – “dead”
What do you mean a good old fashioned ribbing has nothing to do with this rack of baby backs?
[How salad was created]
You know, it would taste better if there was more of us.
– Single piece of lettuce
Women: Be smart. Don’t do this.
me: I need to buy a train ticket
employee: window or aisle
me: *suddenly nervous* or you’ll what
I just have to continue with these drinking jokes. I think they’re hilarious.😂
The person who pitched the puss in boots solo movie did so with ‘shrekless abandon.’
Want to know what it’s like to have kids?
1. Gather everything you own.
2. Throw it all on the floor.
3. Pick it up.
4. Repeat for infinity.
Satan: welcome to your own hell where…
me: is it hot in here or is it just me 😉
Satan:…everyones a comedian.
me: haha i just like to keep it light.
Satan: no, [gesturing around] EVERYones a comedian.
me: oh god
Those people that get up and are already home from the gym by 7 a.m. make me believe the movie Men in Black just may be true after all.
Tweet thieves know how to take a joke.
The news keeps updating everyone on the Queen’s coffin’s location like it’s a package we can’t wait to get in the mail.
imagine being a bald vampire and every time you walk by a mirror your toupee looks like it’s floating in mid air.
If you don’t have plans tonight, head to a crowded restaurant, stand up during the meal, and say “She said yes!”. Free applause and dessert. You’re welcome.
Dogs are probably really excited about dog sledding before they find out what it actually is.
[My first day as Lady Gaga]
*talking to my stylist*
just wrap ham around my face.
Don’t forget to take a screen shot of the weather forecast today and post it on Instagram.
“Kids, grandma just had hip surgery so I need to warn you, she’s not herself.”
*grandma struts in wearing skinny jeans and smoking an E-cig*
Just got my invitation to Lady Gaga’s wedding reception. I can choose between beef or chicken. Not for the meal, that’s the dress code.
I will always post cat eating corn when I see it
[Orca Winfrey Show]
ORCA: “You get a carp! You get a carp! You get a carp!
AQUATIC AUDIENCE: *just screaming their gills off*
[inventing the turtle] put the worst dinosaur in an army helmet
I don’t think you’re a bad person. I just think you’re immature and lack intelligence. Hope that helps!
*looks at crushed dead raccoon on the side of the road* i’m thinking Arby’s™
Naked and afraid, but it’s just me getting out of the shower, the door bell ringing and I can’t find a towel.
Ever since I learned the show is called Suits because of lawsuits and not because they wear suits, I have harbored a hot white rage within me beyond anything mankind has ever known.
Oxford comma: I had eggs, toast, and orange juice.
University of Phoenix comma: I had, eggs toas,t and, orange juice,
My black pants had more cat hair on them after they came out of the dryer. Guess I should check the dryer for cats before I start it.