My debit card got stolen at the gym which is fine because i will still continue to go so that I can train to fight the person who stole it
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Slept on the floor last night for fun with the kids and now I’m paralyzed
when you see my three typing dots linger there for a long time just know I’m fighting an epic battle with autocorrect
Every time I go to bed early my cat decides this is the night she will find and kill god
Hasbro is the only company that manufactures Monopoly. Think about that for a minute.
BREAKING: DirecTV subscribers lose The Weather Channel over fee dispute. Luckily, subscribers will keep windows, which they can look out of.
I don’t know why guys love anal. My ass is an exit only. Unless I’m drunk. Or he’s rich. Or cute. Or has all his teeth.
When your kid says “I told you I knew how to be good” and you start getting flashbacks of all the times when they didn’t know at all
me in the kitchen: how do i crack an egg
me watching great british bake off: what kind of an idiot forgets to poke steam holes in their banquet pie
Donkey Kong sommelier
[me giving a TED Talk]
*repeatedly pronounces a hard first ‘c’ in ‘science’*
[rap battle]
[my opponent attempts to drop the mic, but I stealthily tied it to his finger so it just comes back up like a yo-yo]
‘A confident swipe of the debit card’ is my favorite fantasy.
I reply to “Happy New Year” with “not if I have anything to do with it.”
If I was in the military, I would be a sniper. That way I can lie down a lot.
I may be short but I sure as heck can dunk. Donut coffee dunks are my speciality.
I can’t believe there’s this yearly Halloween panic about houses giving out good drugs when people won’t even spring for full-size Snickers
I asked my dad if there were any advantages to being in your eighties. He said, “Well, no one tries to sell me extended warranties anymore.”
How do I tell my kid the tooth fairy needs $15 change for the $20 she left under his pillow?
Batman – utility belt.
Homer Simpson – futility belt.
Behind every child flushing the toilet is a parent yelling “WASH YOUR HANDS.”
Going to get a facial today… this guy on Craigslist is offering a way lower price than the salon!
Got 3 boxes of tampons, Midol & Ibuprofen at the store. Checker was so scared he paid for my shit & carried it out for me.
Husband: I love you.
Me: I have a boyfriend.
hey boy 😉 is that a gun in your pocket or are you just pleased to see m- oh, it is a gu- yes i will open the cash register
funny thing about zombie movies — they never seem to go after the cameraman 🤷♀️
You see when you ask for nudes specificity is key. I have a whole camera roll of sphinx cats and I’m not afraid to use it.
Preacher: CAN I GET AN AMEN?!?
Me: [from back row] MAY you get an amen
[a person I want to be friends with so bad offers me a cigarette]
Me: oh I love these!
Them: *goes to light it for me*
Me: *already eating it*
Not to brag, but I am really good at taking naps.
I can even do them with my eyes closed.
My family is missing that gene that tells you when trash cans are full.