Why am I getting ads for things that cost $495? I have never bought anything ever that costs $495
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my dog is like me. you can call her and make all the kissy noises you want , she ain’t coming unless it’s her idea.
Her: I like a man who’s environmentally aware
Me *pointing at the sky*: That’s a cloud
The trick to falling asleep is putting your phone down. Unfortunately, that’s not a risk I’m willing to take.
*Throws all 900 baby items in garbage*
*Buys Magic 8 Ball*
*Whispers*, This is how we raise you now.
Being a spider has got to be pretty stressful because anything bigger than you is either going to run away screaming or murder you immediately.
Me: Hiding in my pantry from a murderer
Also me: Opens a bag chips in pantry gets murdered
Gen Z, Boomers, Millennials and Gen X
one more hotdog left who wants it [jesus speed walks across jeff’s pool]
shaking my gf awake from a nap to tell her it’s kermit the frog’s birthday
When people fall with their iPhone 6 in pocket and hear a crack sound:
“Please let it be my leg, Lord.”
When my wife wanted to have a second child – her exact words were “it’s just rinse and repeat”.
To this day that’s still the funniest joke she’s ever told.
Things I’ve Learned From Horror Movies:
•Don’t have sex, you’ll die.
•Don’t leave the group, you’ll die.
•Don’t be black, you’ll die first.
this came to me in a vision
I have to stop saying “Because I’m Batman” all the time. It’s not cute anymore. Oh wait. Yea it is! You know why? Because I’m Batman.
All spots are cat’s spot. This was clearly established in the Supreme Court case of Fits v. Sits.
*smoke detector chirps*
me*takes battery out*
*chirp*
me*cuts wires*
*chirp*
me*smashes it with a hammer*
*chirp*
wife:We have more than one
Boss “Are you high?”
Me “If I was high could I do this?”
*Inserts a USB into it’s port the right way up 1st time”
Way back when, I thought technology would look more like flying cars and less like me yelling “The laptop’s not a touch screen,” at my kids.
white cavewoman naming her child “oog” but it’s spelled “eauxgh”
If you collect the crumbs from one Nature Valley granola bar you can make three more granola bars.
babe wake up they’re canceling someone you’ve never heard of before
Magician: I’d like a volunteer to be cut in half
Me: I’ll do it
Magician: You’ll never love anyone as much as you did Emily
Me: *crying* He’s good
Wife: What
“Kids are disgusting”, I say as I blow my nose in a hanky that hasn’t been washed in 42 years.
I miss that time in my life when people asked easy questions, like “What’s your favorite color?” or “Where is your belly button?”.
me: these edibles aren’t doing anything
lamp: just give it a little time
If one more person stands up and talks about their alcoholism I’m quitting this book club.
SWAT: give up the hostages
RICK ASTLEY[holding a gun to my head]: you know I can’t do that
The hardest part of painting a nude self-portrait is having yourself over for drinks and convincing yourself to take off your clothes.
Reasonable mental health and a good relationship with his mother? I can’t work under these conditions
I highly recommend anything.
– Stoners.