Not all dogs go to heaven because I just saw two dogs having sex and dogs can’t get married. Hope you both enjoy hell.
It’s like the girl sitting in front of me on this bus doesn’t want me to braid her hair.
If you see a baby locked in a car break the window and put another baby in there, he’s probably lonely.
[drive thru] I just really need to talk about Buffy the Vampire Slayer and you’re the only one awake.
How much longer must I pretend to understand the eclipse, this is exhausting.
What do you mean you don’t know what Care Bear would win in a fist fight? Get off me, this sex is over.
My neighbours dog has more friends than I do and he bites.
[Speed Dating]
People act weird when I explain that I ate my twin in the womb, but when would have been the right time to do it?
It’s been four days since I started this rap battle. I’m tired and just want to see my family.
Men and women can be ‘just friends’ if one of them is a ghost.
My therapist doesn’t believe in werewolves so I left my last session with more problems than when I arrived.
If I were a cashier I’d pretend people were waiting in line to kiss me.
If you carry a knife in your mouth, people wont ask you what your Valentines Day plans are.
Nothing sexier than when a man pulls you close, looks deep into your eyes, and puts a Babybel in your mouth.
Astronauts wear helmets to hide their tears when they discover the moon isn’t made of cheese.