Just want to be bitten by a spider without the obligation of becoming a superhero.
*rolls over to your desk on chair*
So what was in that browser you just quickly minimised?
During a zombie apocalypse, establish dominance by approaching the baddest zombie with the snappiest teeth and braid his hair.
I wrote “except zombies” on my welcome mat so I know I’ll be safe during a zombie apocalypse.
These people are screaming like they’ve never seen pompoms on an axe before.
What does it mean when you’re on a date and he pushes you in front of a bus?
A fun way to get exercise is grab a chainsaw and chase a hiker.
Look sad dragging a kite on the ground at the park and sometimes people will let you join their picnic.
Trees put cats in their hair so they can flirt with firefighters when they climb up them.
I’m crying and wearing a falcon glove so I get sympathy sex from people who think my falcon flew away.
Good luck listening to 80’s music without imagining my silhouette doing karate poses.
A guy told me I’m bad at flirting and I got so mad I took back all the dead birds I nailed to his door.
Not sure if I actually like movies or just like looking at something while I eat popcorn.
I never eat coins in front of vending machines because I don’t want them to fall in love with me.
I don’t throw gang signs. I’m Scottish. I throw bricks 🙂