I’d make an excellent cavewoman because I can finger paint and light fires.
Calm down shouty museum man. I think it’s pretty obvious that I know how to ride a dinosaur skeleton.
Twitter should give you 5,000 followers when you start and then you have to try and lose them.
Sorry to text you so late but can your dog come over?
I don’t know why a dingo would steal a baby when you can steal cool stuff like rollerblades.
Tsunamis are caused by dolphins breakdancing to celebrate passing another IQ test.
Strangers get so paranoid when they catch you stirring a mysterious powder into their drink.
I used 5 different things as a napkin today and one of them was my neighbour.
I dated a guy in a band for two months before I realised he was just a sexy mop.
Joke’s on my neighbour, I actually like being kept locked in his shed.
My friend got a tattoo of his wife’s name so I guess he loves her as much as he loves barbed wire.
I’ll date any guy that can digest a seagull faster than me.
If that cute guy doesn’t approach you at a bbq, he is probably just intimidated by how many sausages you’re eating.
So embarrassing when you leave the bathroom and someone points out you have toilet paper stuck to your teeth.
If there’s a denim jacket on my doorknob it means I’m having sex with a werewolf.