If I were a werewolf I wouldn’t have to chain myself up at night because I don’t like going out anyway.
I will let someone cut the line I’m waiting in, but only if they let me braid their hair from behind.
Look what the cat dragged in!
*freaks out remembering I don’t have a cat and house was built on top of a pet cemetery*
When people are kissing in public, it’s weird how angry they get when you try and join in.
Okay stranger, it’s clear that we walk at the exact same pace, speed up or at least hold my hand.
If you say “guess who died?” with a big smile on your face some people get kinda angry.
Just once I’d like the guy hired to kill me to complete the job and not fall in love with me.
Don’t date men who will hold open a door for you. Date men who will punch a squirrel in the face for chittering it’s teeth at you.
I will take your secret to the grave. Unless I’m drunk and revealing it will make me popular.
This generation has discovered the selfie stick. My generation discovered AIDS. Don’t know what’s worse.
Kinda rude the way this hedgehog is running away from me when I’m trying to stick cheese on his spikes.
This guy is choking on the last hotdog I wanted so I’m just going to let him die.
HELLO, FIRST TIME CALLER, LONG TIME LISTENER, OCCASIONAL MURDERER.
Stop giving me life advice, people who don’t know how crocodiles have sex.
Homeless people are so lucky. They don’t have to pay rent and can eat as many pigeons as they want.