Had trouble sleeping today. They added a trumpeter to this morning’s church service.
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Things are getting serious with my new boyfriend. Neither of us have slept with anyone else in eleven months (we met last week)
[phone rings in 1984]
“Eric get the phone”
Hello?
“Tell em I’m not home.”
She’s not home.
“Ask who it is.”
My mom wants to know who this is.
me: don’t you dare tell me I’ve had enough
him: sorry, but—
m: *shouting* what kind of barman limits customers to just one?
h: *sighs, pours*
m: finally! I’ll have another one of those delicious cookies too, please
h: now may I go back to giving communion?
As I move away from the hometown that’s nurtured and protected me ever since I was 9 years old, I fondly wave goodbye to the place that saw me grow from a 50 pound weakling in to a 250 pound weakling.
I bet the skeletons, in my gay coworker’s closet, are having a dress up party with fabulous clothes.
A fun thing to do is scream “JENGA!” and yank a ladder out from under somebody.
One day she says “Treat me like a princess,” the next she’s pissed that I married her off in exchange for an alliance with Spain. Women…
[cloudy weather]
simba: lot of dead dads out today
Me: This recipe calls for one red onion…
Onion: Seize the means of production!
Me: Close enough
Follow these tips for a happy Thanksgiving. Printable version available on FB:
Christian Bale has done ok for himself considering he’s named after a religious bundle of hay.
A man just tried to flirt with me at work so picked up a Daddy long legs spider and carried around it on my shoulder. He left and I hope the spider never does
Remember when movies didn’t show you the entire plot in the trailer?
11-year-old: *practicing her saxophone at home* How was that?
Me: Great!
11: Want to hear it again?
Me: I can only take so much greatness in one day.
Frozen (2013) A young girl spends years in solitude & must plan her parent’s funeral alone because her sister is secretly one of the X-Men
7: Golf is not fun to watch
ME: It is, if you understand the nuances and the context
7: What are nuances and context
Me: Details. Like the scoreboard, the decisions they make
7: They hit a ball, and it goes in–or not
Me:
7: Usually not
Me:
7: They aren’t even good at it.
if you wanna be my lover you gotta get with my chins
It’s 10:25pm and one of my kids just came downstairs and asked what’s for dinner.
I guess I need to start doing head counts from now on.
[McDonald’s drive thru]
ME: i’d like a happy meal with a coke
HIM: will that be a regular coke or an eight ball?
Her: *uses quarantine as an opportunity to learn Japanese and crochet*
Me: *uses quarantine as an opportunity to perfect my cereal to milk ratio*
“It’s just a shell… it’s just a shell… it’s just a shell.”
– my foot touching anything in the ocean.
Having kids is a little like when the free sample lady tries to tell you all about the cheese & you pretend to be interested while you eat.
We’re just two people shitting in side by side stalls waiting for the other person to go out so we don’t have to show our face
the other day a bartender told me his high school did a performance of RENT where they couldn’t say AIDS so all the characters had diabetes
Him: How was your day?
Me: Do you think my house key is sharp enough to sever a carotid artery?
Him: *opens four bottles of wine*
Whenever my dachshund acts up I show him a pack of hotdogs in my fridge and he falls right back into line
Ladies, if he:
– is hairy
– has trouble communicating
– is 1′ 4″
– wears a deerstalker hat
– solves mysteriesHe’s not your man. He’s Detective Pikachu.
me: everything is the same, but when the bread is done it pops out a little more so that you can grab it without burning your hand
toaster company ceo: I still don’t get it
The face palm is the only houseplant you can’t kill