Mean while, back on Facebook, Jennifer is blaming the birth of her son for her being fat.
Her son is 6 ….
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[leaving a birthday party with my piñata friend] i swear i didn’t know they were going to do that
“Just take me home”
My work mom text me and asked what I was doing so uI told her I’m doing my nightly Indeed 30 job applications. I told her I’m applying for everything, qualified or not, shit, I just applied to NASA and I don’t even like to fly or astronaut ice cream
Put my fitted sheet and duvet cover in the washing machine for a death match to see which one swallows the other.
Everyday I walk to work by a Ferrari dealership, put my nose against the etched glass window and say, “someday I’ll own a window this nice.”
50 Shades of Grey is my favorite movie about a dog trying to read a map of the United States.
Sad how shallow some women can be. I was informed the girl I like said she’d NEVER date a guy w/ a job like mine. Sorry I’m not some hot shot lawyer or doctor. Idk, maybe embezzling money from a children’s cancer research fund isn’t the most prestigious job but it pays the bills
A good response to any question is “what do you plan to do with this information”, especially at a McDonald’s drive-through
Soldier Dying on Omaha Beach.
“dont forget to tell my wife i love her…
and…and…honor me every year with a
…..mattress sale.”
In the past 3 weeks, my trash has gone out more than I have.
Moment of silence for the guy in Target who just said to his girlfriend, “that seems like a lot of money for face lotion.”
keep your friends close but your smartphone closer
If you pass out in front of your kids they will either try to call an ambulance or use you as a trampoline. You just don’t know.
As a copywriter, I’ve noticed more people are using ‘whilst’ instead of ‘while.’ WHILE you can use either, WHILST is formal so it always sounds pompous and full of shit. Would you say WHOMST? No you WOULDST NOT.
(friend who didn’t get invited on the blair witch project trip) ah jeez that’s awful. tragic. and you found all their footage? so did they ever like.. explain why they could only bring 3 people in a car that seats 4 or like
I opened the fridge door, but something inside slammed it shut. It’s going to be Uber Eats until we can move out.
If you were a burger, I’d throw you in the trash.
If anything bites you, chain yourself in the basement for the next full moon. Just to be sure.
*things I learned from horrors
[pointing to a gravestone]
I’ll have what HE’S having!
“Oh no I left the easy bake oven on” *runs home* *house is filled with tiny cakes*
Funny that Lebron couldn’t even finish a game due to cramps when RoboCop saved all of Detroit without even having his own legs
At this point in my life if I drop something and can’t pick it up with my foot or via one of my kids, it’s staying on the floor.
Date: i love cats
Me: [trying to impress] *slowly pushes her plate off the table*
Who decided that we have to get stuff done every day?
Her: I’m leaving you
Me: But i thought we were happy
Her: You’d rather make stuffed animals out of pastries than spend time with me
Me: You leave eclair bear out of this
it be like that
WIFE: I’m pregnant
ME: oh god no
WIFE: I’m kidding
ME: I heard you the first time
Me: Mom, can I die from eating pancakes
Mom: let’s not talk like that
Me: sorry, can I please die from eating pancakes
The most important meal of the day is the next one
[girlfriend sleeping over for the first time]
HER: This is nice.
ME: You need to move to the couch. My dog sleeps on that side.