Apparently I need to go on a diet if I want to have room in my pockets for snacks. Why is life so hard?
I hate when I’m waiting for the elevator and someone else casually walks up and presses the button to open the elevator door.
I’m way too old for this shit.
*What I say every day as if I’m suddenly gonna start getting younger.
Qsieowrrtpd
That’s me picking off pieces of quinoa from my iPad
This year I have a few special people on my list that will get expired gift cards wrapped up with tons of glitter.
I could save myself a whole bunch of time if I could just remember to take the cap off of my lip balm before using hand lotion.
If someone at the party talks about tossing the salad I instinctively look to see who is trying to hold in their giggles.
Trix are for kids, but when my favorite rabbit gets together with the Energizer bunny it’s grownup time.
The best thing about wearing socks all the time is being able to clean coffee spills without lifting a finger.
Yes, I’m a slob, but I’m a sanitary slob. Underneath all the clutter it’s actually clean.
If you don’t smile and show everyone your teeth when you’re eating Oreos then you’re probably more mature than me.
A baby stroller, but just to take my snacks with me.
My dog ran into the sliding glass door and she’s not even drunk. Good luck explaining that to your pals at the park.
It’s extremely difficult to search my tweets when I constantcessantly make up nonsensicalistic words and greatastic werges.
If you listen carefully you can hear the sound of raindrops sighing. Really, you can hear almost anything if you’re high enough.