@Death_Buddy

Hey, did you say that your dog likes to ‘exercise’ or ‘exorcise’? [dog is already throwing holy water around the house]

@Death_Buddy

*On date*

Her: hey, how are you?

Me: yeah really g..

BRAIN: *interrupting* TELL HER THAT RAP ABOUT ANTS YOU MADE UP ON THE WAY HERE.

@Death_Buddy

You sneeze, and a tiny book titled “A spiders guide to navigating the human brain” shoots out your nose. You faintly hear a spider cussing.

@Death_Buddy

I keep a chalk outline of myself drawn outside my house so any murderers think, “dang, someone’s already got the murdering covered here”

@Death_Buddy

HYPNOTIST: YOU ARE FEELING SLEEPY

ME: kinda safe bet there

HYPNOTIST: YOU WILL DANCE LIKE AN OCTOPUS

ME: again, still no surprises.

@Death_Buddy

*gets down to snails level*
IF YOU JUST TELL ME WHERE YOU’RE TRYING TO GET TO THEN I CAN HELP YOU GET THERE FASTER.

@Death_Buddy

*walks outside*

Its real quiet.. Almost too quiet.

*looks around*

*lights BBQ*

*1000 Dads emerge from nowhere giving generic BBQ advice*

@Death_Buddy

I have a cut on my leg Doc

“Yeah that legs gotta go sir”

But its a tiny cut

“Sorry, I cant save it” *sharks fake doctor outfit falls off*

@Death_Buddy

*gets to hell*
[In earshot of Satan] I HATE ICE CREAM AND WATCHING TV, DAMN THAT WOULD BE REAL TORTURE FOR ME. OH AND BEER, I ALSO HATE BEER