I’m so grateful when people tell me to drive safe cause then I remember not to drive off that cliff.
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You can marry for love or you can marry for kidneys, but not both
Back in the 90s, Target sold mini board game key chains, including a key chain Ouija board. These tiny things always made me laugh, just imagining an inch-high demon running around tormenting someone. Oh no, he’ll give you a hangnail! He’ll roll the peas right off your plate!
ME: [running for my flight]
PILOT: [leaning out cockpit window] JUST GIVE UP
VILLAIN: You can run but you can’t hide.
ME: I can’t run either.
If cartoons are a reliable guide, the secret to never ageing is wearing the same clothes every day.
Me: “How much for your top of the line masturbation chamber?” Sales person: “You mean the shower stall?”
Yet another “No DMs” bio. All this civil rights progress but bigotry against Dungeon Masters is still tolerated.
describing a really tough guy to the police sketch artist bc im afraid to say a goose knocked me over and ran off with my car keys
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i mend relationships
professor boyfriend: oh wow
I’m sorry you’re just not NASA material
“Why?”
Well, you wrote ‘red’ then crossed it out & put ‘human’ under blood type on your application.
[commercial for gymnastics]
Want to delay menarche and stunt your lumbar growth, but also risk getting crotch punched by a four-inch beam?
Parents waiting for election results like “This is nothing. I’ve waited for my kid to finish telling me about a dream they had.”
You must be radiating feminine mystique because every man in the cafe is looking at you, and then you realize there’s a TV over your head.
i don’t feel like cooking, but i’m too exhausted to say thank you 53 times at a restaurant.
“I can’t, too busy”:
– no one believes you
– tired
– allows for future invitations“I can’t. Not since the accident”
– mysterious
– fresh
– prevents future invitations
Me: I don’t appreciate being unexpectedly hit with goose liver.
Waiter: I’m sorry for throwing you a surprise pâté.
interviewer: what can u bring to the firm
me: [places a tiny cactus on desk & smiles]
interviewer: I meant like clients
me: [removes cactus]
6-year-old: Is it cold outside?
Me: Yeah. You should put on a sweater.
6: I should stay home.
BOUNCER FOR A COOL BAR: password?
Me: Midnight77
BOUNCER: great *grabs a poster board collage* now which one of these doesn’t contain a stop sign
Kenny Rogers: You’ve got to know when to hold em’
Neo-natal nurse: awww
Kenny Rogers: And know when to fold em?
Neo-natal nurse: absolutely not
SHE has the mouth of a sailor…
…that recently retired & started a new career as a trucker.
I had no idea being an adult would involve so many lotions.
An unboxing video but it’s the toys my kid buried under her bed and forgot she had…
Husband: Let’s role play.
Me: Okay.
H: Pretend you’re our cleaning lady.
Me: I quit.
me: they’re all so cute but i don’t know if i can take one away from its mother and siblings
pumpkin patch employee: ok
He also looks really rough for a 4 year old
Cooking directions: Stir constantly until it comes to a boil.
Me: Orders takeout.
Her: You must think our relationship is some sort of game.
Me: Nope. Games are fun.
[Divorce court]
Judge: The reason you’re divorcing is “he’s annoying?”
Wife: He pronounces “yikes” like “Nike”
J: Baliff, throw him in jail
My billionaire can beat up your billionaire.