[commercial for babies]
*camera pans to a couple sleeping peacefully*
Narrator: don’t you hate this?
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I pick up every feather that I see on the floor.
Interviewer: that’s a weird strength.
Doctor: I have good news!
Me: oh thank God
Doctor: Do you want to die?
Me: No!
Doctor: Right I thought you were gonna say yes ok I have bad news 🙁
I shouted at my kid so he told me I wasn’t his best friend anymore and, honestly, I was gobsmacked I had even been in the running.
Ok, time to dust off the Christmas decorations. One year I must try taking them down.
Every time I see a sign that says “Right lane ends,” I’m like, so does everything else, deal with it
My husband is taking me to a scenic bridge today so i guess this is goodbye
[Testing Cat-Human Translator]
Scientist: Cat, what is your name?
Cat: I AM KANG THE DESTROYER
Owner: It’s not working. His name is Socks.
Always check your candy. I opened a bag of M&Ms and found a bunch of Ws.
I wore pink pants to work today and multiple people thought I was not wearing pants at first glance. So what I’m saying is…I am so classy that several people considered that I may have been pantsless. At work.
I want rich people’s problems like government denying the permission of landing my chopper on my mansion.
8: mommy I want to study pastrami
Me: why pastrami specifically?
8: I’m just super interested in the stars
Me: astronomy you mean astronomy
8: pretty sure it’s pastrami
The government was gonna impose martial law but a typo turned it into marital law, so now everyone is just passive aggressively coughing into one another’s soup while they watch 24-hour news channels in complete silence
Quarantine: stay inside where theres nothing to do and be sa-
Adderall & Craft Supplies: MAKE DUCKS
One day, perhaps, I will manage to send myself an email without thinking “ooh who’s this?!” when it arrives three seconds later.
My kids are celebrating National Siblings Day just like I knew they would: screaming & fighting.
“What colour would you call this?”
“Fawn”
“What colour would you call this, o wise and beautiful identifier of colours?”
You’re following someone who just picked up a candle and tried to drink it
Discovered that my wife can talk to me THROUGH THE SPEAKERS OF MY NEW CAR so I’m returning it.
[paying the check at dinner]
ME: how much should I tip her?
COW WAITRESS: oh no
Genie: *transforms me into a turtle* oh wait, did you say eternal life?
Me: *from inside shell* yeah no this is better
Paris Hilton is worried ISIS will target her because she’s famous. Paris Hilton doesn’t realize that ISIS didn’t exist in 2004.
My kind of messy bun is cinnamon.
For a kid, that moment when you accidentally called your teacher “mommy” was always really embarrassing. I just wish it hadn’t happened when I was a senior in college.
how much does a mortician urn in a year
[getting pulled over]
ME: excuse me officer what was i doing wrong?
MOM COP: you were driving erratically. are you hungry? you seem hungry. step out of the car and eat this alphabet soup backwards for me
Driving home with my kids & my son didn’t like the song I was listening to. He said, “Thank God we’re 10 seconds from home!” & then I took the long way home because that’s what good parents do.
The woman in the Superman underwear next to me does not quite understand how white pants work.
“Nope. Nope. Yeah right. Nope. Close! Nah. Nope. Almost! Hahaha, you’re terrible at this.” – piece of popcorn stuck between teeth.