“If people work from home, how will I socialize?” You will have to go into the forest, bribe an old witch & have her summon new friends for you like the rest of us have to
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Wife: “Was that lightning?!” Me: “No, they’re taking pictures for Google earth…”
Him: Hello, I’m Special Agent Johnson.
Me: Well, somebody has a high opinion of himself.
*experiences all five stages of grief while the waiter walks by my table with what I thought was my dinner*
*reading* 160 calories *thinking* Let me break it down to see how much I should eat. *reading and thinking* The can is 14.2 ounces, the serving size is 245 grams and the servings per container are about 3.
And we wonder why America is getting fat.
MATH
Your name is just a compromise. It’s the one both your parents didn’t hate.
[blind date]
Her: Where’s your ink? Your profile said you had a sleeve.
Me: *pulls out sleeve of girl scout cookies*
Woke up this morning after a hard night of boozing, stepped on the scale and I lost 3 pounds.
There ya have it. Dignity weighs 3 pounds.
Sorry I got discombobulated.
I’m rebobulated now.
Don’t look at this picture. You will have nothing but questions:
me, after making no effort to address a complaint: how about now
This is the most 2017 thing I’ve ever seen.
WORM: Why do caterpillars think they are better than us?
OTHER WORM: *is drowning in a very shallow puddle*
My 5-year-old who just turned 5 talks about being 5 like she’s reached the peak of adulthood, “I’m 5 now.” Relax girlfriend you can’t even open your own fruit snacks.
Just saw that my wife was googling ballroom dancing lessons and now I’m hoping that she’s having an affair.
8yo: Is it okay if Dylan comes over?
Me: Is he the one with the PS4?
8: Yes.
Me: And motorized scooter?
8: Yes.
Me: And trampoline?
8: Can you drive me to his house?
*dinosaur at zoo roars at me*
“ROAR”
whoa wat kimd of dinosaur is this
“GROWL”
hmm
“SHOUT”
hmmm
“YELL”
hmmmmm
“HOLLER”
oh its a thesaurus
Sometimes u see the moon during the day and it’s like, wow, how embarrassing. Showed up early because you were bored? Get a life, nerd moon.
I was going to wash my car in my driveway but then I realized I don’t own a halter top or cut-off shorts.
Dammit.
It’s not too spicy I just don’t think I like the flavor.
-Rival Dads when something is definitely too spicy for them.
looking for someone who loves me as much as some people love standing up the second a plane lands.
saving this screenshot for the next translation/ localisation debate, excellent work everyone
THE CAST OF “CATS” AS MEDIEVAL CAT PAINTINGS: A THREAD
me: no, you can’t have ice cream for dinner
son: why not???
me: because
son: because you ate it all for lunch again?
me:
son:
me: if you don’t tell mom I’ll give you a popsicle for breakfast
Jamaica has declared war on drugs.
Actually, they pretty much do everything on drugs.
Me: Got any more of those debbled eggs?
Friend: Did you just say DEBBLED eggs?
Me: No, I said the right thing…
me: I made a model of the himalayas
friend: did you build them to scale?
me: no, just to look at
friend: what
The Macarena began playing through the dental office speakers as I lied helpless with the hygienist’s hands in my mouth today. #survivor
“Call me crazy bu..”
You’re a freakin idiot!.. I mean, you’re crazy.
*wakes up drenched in sweat*
WAS BINGO THE FARMER OR THE DOG?