I’m literally crying
You Might Also Like
[inventor of frisbee]
“I hate this plate”
An air mattress is the best way to tell your houseguests not to stay too long.
ghost, are we friends?
*ouija board spells out “SURE”
do you suppose we could ever be… well, more than that?
*ghost favs but doesn’t reply*
When people say “May I ask who’s calling?” I like to say “Sure, go ahead.”
There are no sleep rules anymore. If you’re sleepy, you just sleep. It doesn’t matter if it’s an appropriate nap time or not. It doesn’t matter if you sleep 2 or 6 hours. Literally no one is policing this.
When a duck takes a selfie, it makes a lonely white girl face.
Mom, remember we used to eat donuts?
-my 3 yo, 1 hour after eating a donut
Our fifteen year old just spent most of dinner trying to explain to me why no one is really successful unless they are an “influencer” and then I strongly influenced him to go to bed.
7YO: Daddy you’re so talented
Me: Awww Thank Y..
7YO: …last night your snoring sounded like a pig was beat boxing
[Storm into Octopus Boss’ office]
I want a raise or I quit!
[Octopus Boss is almost done camouflaging against the fern]
NOT THIS TIME
No one is more shocked that I brought my cat to a baseball game than my cat.
Oh, I don’t need a whole bag of confetti. Just the one confetto will be fine.
College: You’re a very bright kid and we’d like to offer you a scholarship.
Ian: I’d prefer a scholarcar.
College: We’d like to withdraw our offer.
her: aww you’re a cat dad!!
me: yeah, part of me thinks cats ward off evil spirits or multidimensional beings
her: oh-
me: that’s probably why they kill so many birds
her: i… um…
me: and also they’re tiny lil angel babies
her: yay!!!
“sup shorty” – a giraffe, probably
me: wanna do something fun?
her: already have plans
me: *watching her wax her legs and pluck her eyebrows* our idea of fun is very different
Unpopular opinion: Not all Canadians are sorry
When you have to marry your mother-in-law
My favorite part of The Lion King is the part where Nicki Minaj held up baby Simba.
This is my bus stop.
Fact: Chihuahuas shake so much because their blood is two thirds Red Bull.
I fantasize about you, but I also fantasize about the day I’ll show someone up in a dance battle, so it’s not saying much.
1995: oh cool, an online book store
2025: “please scan this qr code and take a brief survey in order to flush your toilet”
interviewer: we like to think of ourselves as a family. we like to have fun.
me: well, which is it?
My wife and I can’t agree on appropriate gardening attire. But she’s digging in her heels.
When our food came, I suddenly blanked on “bon appetite” and blurted out “mea culpa,” but she seemed fine with it.
Her: You ate that entire bag of fried cheese snacks?
Him: Thought you said they were baked.
Her: I said YOU were baked.
yesterday my wife sent me to the garage to see if i could find some wd40 & two hours later i managed to disable our sprinkler system & start a small brush fire inside the washing machine
don’t talk to me until I’ve had my morning crab linguine