My rose versus your carnation.
FLORAL COMBAT!
If my last name was File I’d name my kid Petey F.
When someone tells me “They could care less.” Instead of the proper “I couldn’t care less.” I always say “At least you care.”
Imagine Dragons.
No. Dragoner.
Them: dial 911!
Me: this thing can make calls?
Maybe pack emergency supplies and not thirty-five different steam punk outfits next time.
Why are women starting to turn their homes into yoga studios?
So they can be namaste at home moms.
If you bring an acoustic guitar to a bonfire I’m going to assume it’s for fuel.
Diabetes was the God of sugar.
The biggest laugh at a joke I’ve ever received was on a plane to Amsterdam.
I was on a KLM flight, and the Heineken tall boys were free. When I asked for my fourth, the flight attendant asked me if I think I’d had enough.
I replied, ” Am I gonna have to fly the plane later?
I’m going to start an aluminum recycling company called “Only Cans”.
Leonardo Dicaprio is like driving in a school zone. You don’t go above twenty-five.
I wish Teachers were treated like pro athletes. Million dollar contracts and tenure bonuses.
Pro model erasers and chalk. Showered with Gatorade when the whole class passes.
Why did the cup of tea I made you explode in your face?
I used Michael Bay leaves.
I’ll leave.
If Planet Fitness didn’t want me eating a turkey leg on the stairmaster then they shouldn’t call it a “Judgment free” zone.