I can turn wine into water about two hours after drinking it
Checkmate Jesus.
I went to a job interview, and it didn’t go well.
How was I supposed to know HTML doesn’t mean how to make lasagna?
I mean, I don’t know how to make lasagna either, but they didn’t know that.
When you go on vacation because your significant other wants to and you want to avoid a fight.
Placation.
Fun fact of the day: Hugh Hefner took so much viagra in his lifetime that his coffin lid still hasn’t closed all the way.
The good witch: are you a good witch or a bad witch?
Dorothy: I’ve never heard of a good witch.
TGW: the bad witches look old and ugly.
Dorothy: so…ummm…what are you trying to say?
[Person about to invent vaping] I wish this mango smoothie was on fire.
The family panel on the back of my car is just me standing next to a hand, a lotion bottle, and a bunch of smiling tissues where the wife and kids should be.
They should make a drug that recreates the feeling of having your number called earlier than you expected at the DMV.
Sorry I was late for our date. The wheels in my heelies got stuck in a storm grate again.
A rapper that raps for hours on end just to make the show longer.
Fiibuster Rhymes.
Papa Bear: this is the best porridge ever? What’s the secret ingredient?
Mama Bear: remember that whiny brat that kept complaining about the temperature?
Me: For the twelfth day of Christmas, I got…
My true love: IF IT’S ANOTHER BIRD, I’M GOING TO LOSE MY SHIT.
If I ever move into a mansion, it means I definitely won the lottery, or I’m successfully blackmailing someone.
Serving time in more than one prison is polyslamory.
They said it was a staff infection, but I’m pretty sure some customers got it as well.