me [holding wife’s shirt] Can this go in the dryer?
wife: What does it say on the tag?
me: “Made in Vietnam”
wife: The other tag
me: Oh
wife:
me: “Gap”
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It’s ironic that someone would take their last 5 seconds of life to call me middle aged.
The best way to save money on dental floss is by having your dentist remove every second tooth so your toothbrush fits between the gaps, instead.
Tune in tomorrow for another secret the Illuminati don’t want you to know.
The check engine light could be more specific…is it ‘holy shit stop the car right now’ or ‘proceed with caution for the next 6000 miles’?
[inventing the turtle] put the worst dinosaur in an army helmet
I want to open a coffee shop at the Family Law Court called Grounds for Divorce
me: see you later alligator
crocodile: [frustrated sigh]
I picked up a big pack of toilet paper in Walmart and some dude was on the same aisle like “dang sir what you gonna do with all that…” I wasn’t aware this needed an explanation but here we are
*Learns sign language to keep arguing with boyfriend while giving the silent treatment*
Kids: We’re hungry!
M: Dinner when mum gets home
K: She’s away for a week
M: OK, when I’m done tweeting
K: (sigh) we’ll wait for mum…
I always carry a condom in my wallet in case a date goes unexpectedly well & I need to impress her with my balloon animals skills.
me: [on the phone] mom can you come pick me up
boss: hey we’re in a meeting
me: [avoiding eye contact] because they’re being mean to me
My wife took a bunch of my clothes to make a scarecrow today and seeing it come together I realized I dress like a scarecrow.
Kid, texting: MOM I’M HUNGRY!
Mom: *sends food emojis*
Me: Why is your face so cold??
Husband: *sheepishly* Took me a while to choose a snack from the fridge.
Growing up, a lot of people had crushes on Jennifer Aniston. I just liked her as a friend.
It was cool when I taught my kid at 2yo to whisper, “your soul is mine” back to us.
It was cooler when she started whispering it to anyone she was introduced to.
My son thinks he’s studying for his math competition. What he doesn’t know is that I’m just asking him all these questions until our checkbook is balanced.
AC changed “dies slow death” to “does slow death” and that actually feels more on point
Strange to think that exactly four years ago at the start of lockdown in the UK we all began stockpiling pasta, yeast and toilet paper. Those were some of the worst meals I’ve ever eaten.
I thought I was experiencing early menopause but it turned out one of my kids set the thermostat to 87°.
I can’t run from my demons. The law clearly states I have to keep them until they’re 18.
Him: If it hadn’t been for cotton-eyed Joe
I’d been married long time ago
Where did you come from, Where did you go?
Where did you come from, cotton-eyed Joe?Her: Okay. I’ll just put “single” on this Census form.
I’ve never “hopped on a call.” I’ve trudged begrudgingly towards my webcam like a prisoner walking the plank
I’m the smart one, the funny one AND the good looking one.
*must be why I’m single
I need more from my antidepressant, like clean my bathrooms. Go grocery shopping. Pull your weight.
My dogs bowl has DOG written on it so my kids don’t eat it
*pulls curtain back while wife is in the shower*
me: Are we – stop screaming, it’s just me- are we out of Cheetos?
Me: one admission please
Movie Theater Attendant: sometimes I wear my wife’s shoes when she’s not home
Frogs always look like they just found out there’s no free Wi-Fi.
Her: My baby is 28 months old.
Me: Oh really? I’m 74 inches tall.
Not so fun when YOU have to do the math, is it?