ME: Onions make me cry.
HER: It’s from a compound called Syn-Propanethial-S-Oxide.
ME: I think it’s probably cuz an onion killed my parents.
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ʎɐqǝ uo pɹɐoqʎǝʞ ɐ ʎnq ı ǝɯıʇ ʇsɐן ǝɥʇ sı sıɥʇ
My 9 yo talked us into buying him a tracksuit this year. He looks like he’s well on his way to coaching an Olympic skier or arguing over the price of grapes at the supermarket
People say the best part of freelancing is being your own boss, but really the best part is being your own employee. I hate being my own boss because my employee doesn’t respect me, but I love being my own employee because my boss is a pushover.
Hey morons, when in doubt, just spell it “theiyr’re.”
Doug is just Canadian for dog
I’ve never read Catcher In The Rye, mostly because I can’t stand cereals or baseball.
We have great news. We’re pregnant!
-Awesome! Do u know the sex yet?
Of course we know ‘the sex’. How do u think we got pregnant, silly?
If you have anything you want to sneak into the house, Christmas Eve is the day to do it. Can just rush through the door carrying anything saying “DON’T LOOK! DON’T LOOK!” and people will close their eyes. Next thing you know you’re eating a bucket of KFC safely in the bathroom.
“Nailed it.”
-inventor of crucifixion
{yard full of boys}
*pointing at milkshakeExterminator: there’s your problem
Instead of getting any work done on my face, I’m just going to pull my hair back into a really tight ponytail.
King Charles should make Sir Elton and Sir Paul joust.
ME: [inflating second “E” balloon]
WIFE: Are you sure you know how to spell happy birthday?
“We have nothing to fear but fear itself.”
-People who have never seen a flying cockroach
Son #1: Who’s your favorite kid?
Me: It doesn’t matter.
Son #2: Yeah, but who’s your favorite?
Me: Your Mom is my favorite, and I’d bury you both alive on her say-so. Remember that.
the grim reaper driving a taxi full of meats and cheeses call it death cab for charcuterie.
MARIE ANTIONETTE: The peasants don’t have bread? Let them eat cake.
MY ANCESTOR, wiping cake and bread crumbs off his tunic: So, funny story, Queen…
Me: Wow, I would pay to see that.
Theatre Ticket Office: Yes Sir, that’s the general idea.
Scientist: what do u know about atoms
Me: very little
There is a school auction tonight, but I don’t know if I’m ready to buy a whole school
When I was a kid I wanted to be in organized crime but now I see I’d have to be voted in and that wouldn’t happen.
No sadder relationship dynamic than my baby (absolutely obsessed with my 3yo) and my 3yo (continually tells us to throw her in the garbage)
i wish my midlife crisis made me want to get a gym membership and a revenge body, but instead I’m eating snickers for breakfast in bed.
is your name melissa?
“yes”
are you married?
“to you sadly”
yes or no please
“yes”
do you like the lie detector I bought for your birthday?
A mongoose is just a goose who listens to reggae
The weather forecast should include the percentage of answers blowing in the wind
interviewer: this resume looks great but can you perform under pressure
vanilla ice: *squinting* no
George W Bush kept us safe just like how abstinence education kept Bristol Palin unpregnant.
[guy about to invent monopoly]
*looking at friends* i have too many of these
Me: my dog Ruffles can talk – what’s the outside of a tree?
Ruffles: bark!
Me: a word to describe shouting an order?
Ruffles: bark!
Friend: he’s just woofing
Ruffles: I said bark not woof, you idiot