Much like lasagna, I’m just held together by cheese at this point
Don’t go keto, go pirate. Rum, fish and beef jerky diet 💯
Stop blaming others for your mistakes.
Study feng shui and blame the furniture
You can have a child or you can have a phone charger. You can’t have both.
Not my circus. Not my monkeys. But I’m 99% positive I know those clowns.
Mmmm. Shoeshi
Honestly, I’m a woman with a dog and an air fryer, so my topic of conversation is pretty limited
I’ve got an aggressive turkey named Winston. While he was in the outside run, I went into the coop to fix the tray on his food dish. The wind blew the door shut and the latch is locked from the outside.
If you don’t hear from me again notify Stephen King of this novel idea.
Legit call from the school:
Principal: I just wanted to touch base with you. Your daughter was baiting seagulls into the playground with gummy worms and actually caught one; Like in her arms. It did bite her—not hard, but I needed to inform you that we filed an incident report
I can’t get my 10y/o out of bed in the morning unaided. I have to waft bacon scent in her face and then she wakes up on her own.