Why are cops the only ones who get to go undercover? Why can’t a dentist? Coming soon, Undercover Dentist
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BREAKING: Dressed as Cat, Jared Leto Pushes Fellow Attendees Off Table at Met Gala
Kid: Dad, where do babies come from?
Me: Um…
Kid:
Me: You mix baby oil with baby powder. Stir in baby peas. Then you-
Kid: I’m asking mom.
Me: ᵒʰ ᵗʰᵃⁿᵏ ᵍᵒᵈ
If it’s the thought that matters, I had a shower today 😉
going to office: late
.
going to a doctors appointment: late
.
going to a friends house: late
.
going to a concert: 8 hours early
shampoo bottle: Contains No Parabens!
me (has no idea what that is or means): good.
In addition to dental offices, the following should be allowed to offer nitrous oxide:
•car dealerships
•gynecologists
•children’s birthday parties when parents have to stay and wait
•nail salons
•work meetings that last longer than 30 minutes
•baby showers
*prints out my most successful tweets and mails them to my ex-girlfriends*
This was the Moment when twitter decided to double the Size of its Application.
you know who else had a “fun hat phase”? Abe Lincoln. and we all know what happened to THAT guy
They say being a hostage is difficult – but I could do that with my hands tied behind my back.
“I’d like one personal pizza please”
Pizza: Your life’s a mess. You should lose 10 pounds. Call your mother.
“Whoa maybe not that personal”
A new day and another chance to turn it all around. [sitcom laughter]
there is no way you can prove that babies grow and are not instead replaced overnight with entirely new but slightly larger babies
Me: Heeeeyyyyyy Judy, good morning!
*scratches Judy’s back, wiping off my Cheeto fingers*
Judy: Hi!!! How are y…..
Me: *walks away*
When you try to tell a story but start getting anxious and mess it up, that’s a panicdote.
“If you’re not on medication no one will know how crazy you you are,” she said red flaggingly.
The way my dog maintains eye contact while taking a dump is unsettling. Can’t he read a magazine like a normal dog?
NO…I don’t “make plans” because plans suggest INTENT…
…which is typically the distinction between second & first degree convictions.
Want to know the secret to looking young? Pick up a bottle of sunblock, and put it on 20 years ago.
What’s that, Lassie? Timmy’s in trouble? His marriage is falling apart? He’s having an existential crisis? I’ve got my own problems, Lassie.
I’ve diversified my investment portfolio by purchasing multiple properties*
*Barbie Dream House, Peppa Pig House, Gabby’s Dollhouse, Polly Pocket house
Finishing up my time machine. Bolting down the flux capacitor now. I’ll start small and go back a couple of seconds just to see if it works.
Oh good, instead of socks or electronics or whatever…now Amazon can also deliver your life-saving medications to someone else’s house.
11: Look mom, I attached my iPad to my bicycle handles with elastic bands. Isn’t it great?! So now when I ride I can watch something!
*pauses, I can see she’s thinking*
Actually maybe I won’t do this because it sounds like a good way to die?
Any day now, there will be a country song called “(He broke up with me from) 6 Feet Apart”.
When you have bad handwriting, notes to yourself are just fun little mysteries you get to solve later on.
I love my in laws but sometimes it’s hard with the language barrier, like today they said they were taking the kids all day and I thought they meant they were taking the kids all day
*sets the mood with candlelight, flowers and the pepto bismol jingle
bears