My husband and I now have an app that tells us if the garage door is open or closed and this effectively gets rid of 90% of conversation during car rides.
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Nothing inspires me more to get up every morning than my full bladder.
one of
I received some boob pics. Some of you men really have nice boobs.
surely THIS is the salad that will undo months of fast food and alcohol
Me trying to walk in a dream
applying to a job I probably won’t get, so under additional skills I wrote “easily startled but excellent bladder control”
On my tombstone:
She died still despising
deconstructed food
5: water poops dirt
me: only bodies poop
5: you said the lake is a body of water
me: well looks like you’re ready to move out & make it on your own
ME: does this apartment have a pizza cellar
REALTOR: again, i dont know what that is
This fall on Fox:
X-Files Babies.
Baby Skully and Baby Mulder meet at a petting zoo when they both get knocked over by the same goat.
once i’ve learned to lay gigantic eggs and run 50 mph, it’s over for you ostriches.
bank robber: ok listen up this is a robbery, everybody be cool [to me] take off those sunglasses
me: first of all, i can’t do both
For my morning walk, I’m not blasting music into my brain. You are not going to hear anything more lovely them the way the birds sound today and also I can’t get my earbuds to work.
I built a tricycle pram tonight
*adds bike mechanic to the resume*
Hey people who emphasize words that end in an E by stretching out that E instead of the vowel that *actually* creates the proper emphasis: I hateeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee you.
Sad news for all of us remembering Princess Diana’s death 25 years ago today, and also for any girls born on that day who are now too old for Leonardo DiCaprio.
I wish my car ran on shattered dreams instead of gas. I’d be able to make it to Canada on my failed ninja goals alone.
I’m so pale… I don’t send nudes, I send transparencies
Men are from Mars. Women are from Venus. Gays are definitely from Saturn. You know the only planet chic enough to accessorize with a belt.
I lost my tesau…thesor…word book.
I’m gonna take this shit to another level!
*pushes elevator button*
Telling her you’re a magician is tricky business. First, tell her you’re a puppeteer. Watch her face drop then say, “just joking.”
NOW tell her you’re a magician.
extrovert: want to come out with us
me: i’ll let you no.
Me: How do Minions wear overalls? They don’t even have shoulders
Therapist: I meant is there anything else bothering you about your marriage
and then you go like this
and then you go like this
and then you go like this– me on my own cooking show
ME: 3 Big Macs please. lol it’s my cheat day
CLERK: you ordered the same thing yesterday
ME:[leans in] why don’t u mind your own gd business
Without freedom of speech we wouldn’t know who the idiots are!
A dating app for people who are way too into cookies, called Crumble
Nothing is quite as scary as hearing your doorbell ring on the same night you made a blood sacrifice to the dark lord.
[meeting aboard the ISS space station]
Capt: all personnel are-David sit down please
Me trying to open a window cos it’s stuffy: in a minute