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Just put the vaccine inside donuts, ok.
A coworker just asked if I had any “mouth water” and I am thoroughly confused by this
Me: *taking an art appreciation class*
Instructor: Please bring my students back
ME: i don’t trust salesmen
SALESMAN: OH MY GOD LOOK OUT FOR THAT CAR
ME: oh shit where
SALESMAN: right over here isn’t she a beaut
I just need to go ahead and admit it.
I’m not mature enough to live in a state called Idaho
*loud crash*
15: OMG! You almost freaking killed me!
13: The key word being “almost”.
To whoever has my voodoo doll, please stop making her go to work
The lady at McDonald’s gave me an extra pack of fries for free. I hope she is ok with the names I picked out for our children.
This looks nothing like what I ordered…
WTF is this????
I really do like you, but I only share my alcohol with people I really like.
Me muttering when my husband takes a sip of my drink.
People who bite popsicles, where are the bodies hidden?
When you’re firing off drunk texts & you see the 3 dots
Me- WHOA, let me Google that for ya
CW- Google what?
* (types)why is my CW an annoying dipshit
* makes eye contact
*slow presses enter
The people who shout the loudest about their all powerful God protecting them & delivering them from any evil, also own a gun, just in case.
That awful panicky feeling of getting your face stuck in a turtleneck, but if it happened slowly over years, is basically how relationships feel.
I bet she has a tough time finding a coffee mug with her name on it.
I locked myself out of my office twice already today. I guess Mercury definitely in rubbermaid.
My husband thinks it’s funny how I have nothing to wear until I pack 4 suitcases for a trip.
I take the Benadryl to fight the allergies.
I take the coffee to fight the Benadryl.
I take the whiskey to fight the coffee.
I pet the cat because the whiskey makes me forgetful.
The cat gives me the allergies…
♾
Fitness tip: It’s absolutely crucial to take “rest days” when working out so you don’t get hurt. I’ve recently taken over 300 of them.
After watching Honey Boo Boo, I realize America has much bigger problems than the national debt.
[Terminator Academy]
Terminator: When you travel to the past you will arrive nude.
Insecurminator: oh no!
I stared out at my shrubs for a nice long while, trying to figure out how a giant board got lodged in them, before I realized that it was just a reflection of the box behind me in the living room. I need to lie down.
Me:[slathers self in butter]
Them: I said BETTER! Better yourself!
During sex she said “deeper” so I rolled over and started reading her poetry.
Local fire department burns down all the houses as a preventative measure.
Things we didnt do
-Start the fire
-Shoot the deputyThings we did do
-Tried to fight it
-Shot the Sheriff
-Built this city on Rock and RollThings we will do
-Survive
-Rock YouThings we wont do
-Get fooled again
-Back Down
-That
-Give You Up
-Let you down
-Desert you
I was holding the door for an Asian guy and he said “sank you.” So I punched him. Cant believe that he brought up Pearl Harbor lke that
Got a new washer and dryer today, and I’ve been doing laundry all day long. I’ve washed everything that can be washed. Getting ready to go ask the neighbors for their laundry now.