Yes officer I know it seems like a lot for personal use.
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Own two different pasta machines.
still make cup noodles with the Keurig.
ME [opening a card from the boss that says ‘get better soon’]: but i’m not sick, sir
BOSS: no, you’re just
terrible at this job
Sorry, I sometimes blackmail people when I’m nervous….
LOOOOOOL
ME: excuse me did you say this was non-GMO
WAITER: yes that’s right
ME: [pointing to my alphabet soup] there’s like a dozen of them in there
I feel it is only fair for a recipe to indicate up front how many burners it requires. For example a 3 burner recipe would be a no.
ME: Sorry I made things weird in bed last night
WIFE: Ok, but you’re still wearing the Shrek mask.
Gremlins(1984): a shopkeeper with a creature so powerful it could destroy all human life gives it to a 12yo boy. Many lives are lost.(PG13)
#BREAKING Egypt, Russia sign contract to build Egypt’s first nuclear plant
“Did anyone else’s house get burglarized and have horrible music put on all their devices……….oh U2?”
Is it better to beat someone to the punch or punch someone to the beat?
My life is like that Rihanna song :work, work and work, and then I don’t understand anything else.
You lied! Santa Claus is NOT real, mom! If “mom” is even your real name…
[Neighbor to mom] hi Susan!
*kid faints*
Nice try, horror movies, but the scariest thing I’ve ever seen is still a 4-year-old holding a sharpie without the cap.
Hypnotist: you’re getting very sleepy
Me, at any hour of the day: how did you know?
Dog [opening Christmas present]: I swear to god Jason if I get one more bone I will OH MY GOD A BONE IT’S A BONE HOW DID YOU KNOW THIS IS THE BEST PRESENT EVER I CAN’T BELIEVE YOU GOT ME A BONE I LOVE THIS I LOVE YOU
I’m forbidding the twelve people who regularly star my tweets to ever fly in an airplane together.
Me: my biggest strength is listening attentively
Interviewer: ok but I asked what you knew about the company
There are 3 types of guys in this world
● 1) Handsome
● 2) Lucky
● 3) Me
Yes Pony Express?
I ordered a pony 27 minutes ago and I still didn’t get it. What kind of fast food joint do you run here?
[2052 pre-apocalypse]
Him: If only we had one of those old VCR cables, we could save the world
Me: (pulling out bin) SEE KAREN, I TOLD YOU WE NEEDED TO KEEP THESE CORDS
I saw your link on Facebook.
What happened next will blow your mind…….I didn’t open it.
ME: I know a good amount of things
CROSSWORD PUZZLES: lol
Stop pronouncing it “Caribbean.” Everyone knows it’s “Caribbean.”
I have Facebook like reflexes.
“Don’t you mean cat-like reflexes?”
*throws a book and hits you right in the face*
Oh look, it’s bad-decisions-o’clock
[using ouija board]
R2…L2….L1….R2…LEFT…DOWN…
“what the hell?”
[everyone is suddenly carrying like 8 different guns]
[Spelling bee]
Your word is Monogamous.
M-O-N-O-T-O-N-O-U-S
*2 Judges stare at each other*
1st judge *nods*
2nd judge: “We’ll allow it”
The first guy who heard a parrot talk was probably not ok for several days.
me, angry: I’m LEAVING-
doorknob: nope *catches purse strap*