I never text people “good morning” first because I’m not a damn liar.
You Might Also Like
Thanks for the 27 hashtags describing your pic otherwise I would have never known it’s a hamburger
[terrible nursing home]
Old guy: How did you end up here?
Elderly me: I made my kids steak instead of hot dogs.
Him: *gasps* You monster.
Spent a few hours hand sanding drywall and it always reminds me of my mentor Mr. Miagi who would say, “you’re no Daniel, now get back to work or I’ll beat you like a drum.”
I taught my youngest niece and nephew to say “Mommy steals credit cards” when they’re in a checkout line.
I’ll never understand why people buy dogs from breeders when growing your own is free and far more rewarding.
I don’t think my blind date was blind, she read the menu and caught the basketball I threw at her
I like the murder hornets. So sick of all the negativity.
(hours before leaving on a road trip)
You know what, let’s give ourselves an entire makeover.
[Office]
*Dolphin accidentally dials fax numberFax:EEphkEekakischchEEek
Dolphin:Well, I don’t normally do this. But yes I’m free tonight
Whenever I go to Subway, when they ask if I would like my sandwich toasted, I say yes & then I raise my cup of Coke & say, “To my sandwich!”
(trying to climb out of bean bag chair) you’re breaking up with me?
“Well-behaved women seldom make history,” I quietly say as I don’t wait the full 10 minutes for the oven to preheat.
Judging by their knives, the Swiss Army is mostly bartenders.
Pineapple is simply evil. Think about it:
• step on it, it stabs you
• eat too much, it’ll shred your tongue
• put it on pizza and before you know it you’ll find yourself in the psych wardIt’s definitely an unforgiving fruit and I will accept no argument on this.
I will flirt with you but honestly neither of us will have any idea it’s happening
30s: Oh look, a dance floor!
50s: Oh look, a couch!
If each day is a gift, I’d like to discuss the return policy.
*1st date*
“Nothing’s sexier than a man who can surprise me & make me laugh”
*cut to me in her closet in a clown suit*
“Hellooo soulmate”
[Super Villain Team Tryouts]
COACH: Tell me what you can do
MAGNETO: I can manipulate metal
LOKI: I’m a god
THE PENGUIN (shoving his way to the front): I LIKE PENGUINS!
Animal behavior can warn you when an earthquake is coming.
Like the night before the last earthquake,our dog took the car keys and drove off
[on a date]
Him: I love the law.
Me: [trying to impress] I like food courts.
My dog probably thinks her name is Jesus Christ
Wifey: We should get a chest freezer.
Me: We don’t need a freezer that big.
Wifey: What if we need to hide bodies?
Me: I love you.
[first day as a negotiator]
me: ok
Me: You’re supposed to be taking a nap
4-year-old: I am
Me: Then why are you standing here?
4-year-old:
Me:
4-year-old: This is a dream
Text from my mom, after watching my sons all day:
“Did the boys show you the movie they made that’s 17 minutes long and is the most boring thing on earth?”
I can’t grow a hair on my head but overnight I can grow a four inch long single eyebrow hair
Me: Can I have a Batmobile?
Santa: Be realistic.
Me: Ok, pass my Masters & get a good job?
Santa: I’ll leave the Batmobile in the garage.
I told the kids they’ve stressed me out so much I burst a vessel in my eye, so they brought me a plate of cheese.
I was hoping for a clean kitchen but I am disarmingly soothed.
BATMAN: I was lost as a child and raised by bats
ANTMAN: I was lost as a child and raised by ants
SUPERMAN: I was lost as a child and raised by soup