I’ll be giving free lobotomies behind Denny’s until 9pm to everyone who wants one and doesn’t want one
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My girlfriend said she bought the lingerie for me, but then got upset when I put it on… I dont get women.
Rose petals? Next time scatter something I can eat.
In order for us to go on vacation we need to start by unpacking from our last vacation.
My girlfriend is always yelling at me because I get my directions mixed up.
So I packed my bags and right left away !
Some people just want to watch the world bake at 350° for 45 minutes.
Sister: have you met any nice men lately?
Me: we are failing the Bechdel test.
My university sends requests for money four times a year, so I send them my face in a dog filter.
“I just can’t help myself!”
—paramedic on his deathbed
Today, I saw a sign outside a dental office that said “We do our business in your mouth” and I haven’t stopped laughing.
Men say they love it when you get wet for them, but then complain when you flood their entire house.
Oh no, my favorite furniture store is going out of business again still.
my daddy woke me up at 7:30am to tell me the windows were down on my car so of course i thought there was another car for me outside💀 na i really left my windows down…
Old man in public library is watching gladiator clip by clip on youtube while his wife sits next to him reading a magazine and frowning. On this floor a homeless man is reading prince harrys biography and I am flipping through a table sized atlas looking at maps of central Asia
-Guess I’m thankful for that patron who always asks for a bunch of things that don’t exist and always ends up getting mad at us.
-The guy who just called and said he’d be here in ten minutes? Why in the world does he make you feel thankful?
-Because I go on break in five minutes.
Googling definitions of well known words daily so if I need to I can plead insanity
[leaving HS reunion w/ date]
Aren’t you going to ask why everybody was calling me ‘smelly boy’ tonight?
“Seemed pretty clear I thought”
Some people like pineapple on pizza and some people like pizza on pineapple
You know you have kids when you say “see you soon” on the way out of urgent care
There’s a Gulf between peoples’ appreciation of cartoons. Dubai doesn’t like the Flintstones, but Abu Dhabi do.
Me: Pick that up!
7: Can’t you?
Me: You’re lower to the ground
7: But you’re used to doing things that aren’t funHow’s your summer going?
When a child loses a tooth, some parents put a dollar under their pillow. Other parents leave a book called, “Your Disintegrating Body.”
stranger: is this snake poisonous?
us: nah fam,
stranger: *picks up snake, gets bitten, starts foaming at the mouth*
us: it’s venomous tho
“Oh sure, they can eat their own poop, no problem. They just CAN’T eat chocolate. It’ll kill them.” – God inventing dogs.
‘Stealing someone’s coffee is called mugging.’
[Casually but methodically making my way through a party until I secure a spot next to the snacks]
Quietly, as if into earpiece: “I’m in.”
[watching Jaws]
Me: Which ones Jaws
Girlfriend: Who do u think?
Me: (noticing all of the characters so far have jaws) Idk its hard 2 tell
Why is it called a bathroom towel and not a john linen?
“Do not look that up on urban dictionary,” is a nice way of saying “ready the eyeball bleach, because I know you’re gonna.”
(At the Gym)
Manager: Sir…I’m sorry but you’re required to wear a mask at all times on the gym floor.
Me: *sweating, panting and reaching around my face
I think…I think I swallowed it.
[during sex]
her: call me names
me: george