We had a friend install a door for us and now every time we see him he asks us “How’s that door holding up?” and this is why you hire strangers to do house repairs.
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local news anchors be like “dry cleaners robbed. more as it unfolds” or “priceless da Vinci stolen. details are sketchy” or “pool hall tables vandalized. cops have just scratched the surface” or “building elevator plunges. residents feel shafted” or “
When a relative asks me what I’m doing with my life, I tell more lies than a guy at a computer whose wife just asked him what he’s doing.
professor: there are no stupid questions
me: if i ate myself would i disappear or be twice as big
professor:
me:
professor: there is one stupid question
i aspire to be the type of grandparent my grandkids can differentiate from a wolf wearing a nightgown
9 Year Old: Where do babies come from?
Me: (pause) Europe.
[Fortune Teller]
“I see great wealth, also danger.”
Oh.
“And blue meth. Walt Jr. is crippled.”
Are you watching Breaki-
“Jesse is so hot.”
I was washing my car and my neighbor said when I’m done I can wash his car too and we laughed and laughed and then I water boarded him
I sprayed a mosquito with mosquito repellent and now he’ll never have any friends.
[Phish concert]
“I have to pee.”
“Go when the song’s over.”
“How will I know?”
I wish I could lose weight as easily as I lose my glasses
“Jesus take the wheel!” I shout, but Jesus decided to pop out of the sunroof firing a machine gun at our pursuers instead.
I like ordering delivery pizza from two different locations as a race. I prize myself as the winner with two pizzas.
Your phone dying is god’s way of telling you to plug it into an outlet and lie in an awkward position so you can continue doing whatever it is you’re going to hell for
Doctor: I’m sorry, but your Dad’s in a coma.
Teen: Huh?
Doctor: He’s in airplane mode now.
Teen: OHHH NOOOOO!!
[being chased by a murderer]
Me: *stops running, bends down* find a penny pick it up all day long you’ll have good luck!
Murderer: *stabs me*
I read that peacocks “are obsessed with food and can become extremely aggressive when you dangle french fries in front of them”.
See you all later. I’m moving in with my new family now.
Just enjoy the pool, I don’t need to see a picture of your feet by it.
[first date]
HER: I love to learn
ME: (trying to impress her) I spent two extra years in high school
Loyalty is very important for my wife…
My girlfriend doesn’t care.
Funny how different sisters can be! 😜
Dating for me is like wearing cashmere, I think I can handle it, and then a few hours later I’m like, “Get it off of me!!!”
I told a 5th grader during the school costume parade that I liked her Beetlejuice costume and she said she liked mine too but I’m not wearing one. Today she made a very mediocre enemy.
Imagine any 5 white people walking up to you being like “we’re imagine dragons” . You have no choice but to believe them.
That awkward moment when you text a pretty girl, “my shirt smells like you” & you misspell shirt
I’ve written a musical called Fish. It’s very similar to Cats, although Memory’s a lot shorter.
Grocery store puns? Aisle allow it.
You’re like if “nope” was a person.
Me: SORRY I HAVE TO HANG UP I’M HEADING INTO A TUNNEL
* hangs up land-line *
If I gave you a book for Christmas it’s due back at the library tomorrow
Some of y’all need Jesus and I say this as an atheist
Where’d he go? 😂💛
doggosbeingdoggos