Don’t forget to wear your best clothes to church because Jesus was all about one-upping your neighbour with fancier duds.
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My kids each place a toy on the checkout counter and hand the cashier a few plastic gold coins from home. The cashier smiles, I give a wink. She gets on the speaker: “Security, register 4.” They are cuffed & arrested for using counterfeit money. Time to learn about consequences.
her: do carrots help your eyesight
me: *flicks cigarette butt* u ever seen a bunny with glasses Karen
“Is that a banana in ur pocket or are u just happy to see me haha”
[i pull a hand full of lasagna out of my pocket] “Actually it’s lasagna”
If only we’d had some kind of warning that a pandemic would pandemic.
Why are flashlights marketed with law enforcement imagery? Every time I need one I feel like I’m some insecure prick trying to act like Rambo. Why are they shaming my need for light that way?
God: you have eight legs.
Spider: do I-do I need eight legs?
God: tbh no one really needs eight of anything.
Spider:
God:
Spider:
God: also you have eight eyes.
There’s a reason we say cheese and not salad when we have to smile for a photo.
ME: My favorite was always Raphael, but I liked Donatello a lot too
DATE: Aww so you were a big fan as a kid?
ME *pulling my credit card from my Ninja Turtles wallet*: Hmm?
When I miss my parents I put 12 expired salad dressings in my fridge and it feels like home
[ordering cake over phone]
“and what would you like the cake to say?”
[covers phone to ask wife]
“do we want a talking cake?”
I told my wife Netflix is voice enabled and listening to her scream “I’M STILL HERE!” repeatedly at the TV is maybe the greatest thing ever.
It turns out the line is longer for the home office bathroom.
Reasons my teen is mad this morning
– I took her shopping
– I bought the shirt she wanted
– I asked her to wear the shirt
– I don’t understand why the shirt doesn’t have the vibes
“TGIM!” – My liver
If your kids are big enough to get on a ride without help, I will fight them for the last carousel horse.
Him: What’s in your secret sauce?
Me: My feelings for you.
*wink wink*Him: I knew it tasted weird.
Kinda hungry but my bowels still haven’t figured out what to do about yesterday.
Instead of a condom i keep a moist towelette in my wallet because i run into buffalo wings alot more often than sex
As I walk through the valley of the shadow of death I say unto myself I SHALL NEVER… USE APPLE MAPS AGAIN…
Life plan:
1. Befriend shady people.
2. Witness a murder.
3. Enter witness protection & get new name.
4. So long student loans!
waiter: we don’t allow giraffes in here sir
me: I’m not a giraffe
waiter: I know I’m just telling you
Instead of folding all of laundry immediately wear everything in the pile. Issue handled; no fuss no muss
Jesus Christ is trending? What the heck did he do THIS time?
If you call me Dear, I automatically grandpa zone you.
*God provides manna from heaven*
“Is there gluten in this?”
Wife: play your cards right and you’re getting lucky tonight
Narrator: He did not play his cards right
HIM: I’m sorry I spilled my drink, I ruined your jacket.
FIRST GUY TO WEAR A REVERSIBLE JACKET: *Trying very hard to contain excitement* Actually, you didn’t.
This Lyft driver asked my spouse where he was from (Pennsylvania), then said, dead serious, “Y’all got a lotta werewolves up there?”
Me: *buying 50lb bag of chicken food*
Cashier: Do you have chickens?