*Takes drive down memory lane
*Gets a DUI
You Might Also Like
What if the Daleks start eating an apple a day
“Hello, my name’s Drew and I’m an addict”
“Sir, this is a cheese counter”
Looking like shit greatly increases your chances of seeing someone you know at the store by 90%.
[1st date]
{don’t let her know you’re Hitler}
HER: what are you going to eat?
ME: definitely not seafood
HER: did u say nazi food?
ME: shit
OFFER
FINAL OFFER
BEST & FINAL OFFER
LAST & FINAL OFFER
SMART & FINAL OFFER
FINAL OFFER TOKYO DRIFT
The cast of Big Brother in Germany doesn’t know about covid-19 and they’re gonna tell them in a live TV special. I have to learn German by tomorrow.
[party]
ME: I’m uncomfortable
BF: Just mingle
ME: Do I introduce myself?
BF: We’re at your family reunion
My top 5 exercises:
-jumping to conclusions
-flying off the handle
-carrying things too far
-dodging responsibilities
-pushing my luck
“you have some nerve” yeah idiot i have like 7 trillion in me
I took my kids to the playground and now they want me to push them on the swings. Jesus Christ, haven’t I done enough?
There are four main food groups:
1. Canned
2. Frozen
3. Drive-thru
4. Fried
Just saw a touching BP commercial where BP congratulates BP for doing some of what BP was legally required to do after it wrecked the earth.
I asked 4 if she was excited to start school and she said she doesn’t need to go to school bc she already know lots of words and if she runs out she can just make them up
I accidentally answered my phone & panicked when I heard someone say “hello?” so I just did the best I could & made the fax machine noise.
chik-fil-a employee: It Would Be My Dying Wish To Serve You, Great Lord
me: I just want some nuggets man
cfa employee: I Would Die For You
Be the reason why your local woods are haunted.
Holiday anxiety is the most festive of all the anxieties.
Mechanic: Your car won’t pass inspection.
Me: Here’s $20 to look the other way.
Mechanic [looking the other way]: Your car won’t pass inspection.
Kid: Where do babies come from?
Me: I’ll tell you when you’re older.
Kid: Have you seen my harmonica?
Me: So when a man and a woman…
I like a bird with purpose. One walking quickly as though late to a business meeting. No time to trifle with you, ma’am.
If homosexuals come out of the closet, do necrophiliacs come out of the casket?
SON: What will happen when I die?
DAD: Well son, you know how all dogs go to heaven?
SON: YA-
DAD: You’re not a dog.
Oscillating fans are for people that want to be cool every 5-7 seconds.
I quit my job this week to pursue my dreams.
I can never remember my dreams so this is going to be interesting.
Husband: *opens the bathroom door and walks out*
Me: *texts him from Target* Turn off the lights and wash your hands!
Me: Do you have any three tiered wedding cakes?
Baker: But of course! When do you need it by?
M: No, I’ll just eat it here.
“I have a cure for your burning bush.” — Moses hitting on the ladies
kinda bullshit my iPhone doesn’t recognize my face with food hanging out of it
“Are you on Facebook?”
“No, but I’m on..
(don’t say twitter, don’t say twitter)
..Mescaline”
(Nailed it)
My daughter wants to study burrowing rodents. I told her to gopher it.