Boss: the company wants you to know it’s ok to struggle mentally
Me: ok
Boss: like… don’t tho
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Marriage goals: I will die of mysterious causes & you will be the most feared widow in the village.
I my rage I texted my friend “I made some strawberry ganache for you and I now I am never going to give it you”.
We made up later and long story short I need to learn how to make ganache.
Single Me- waxes routinely
Married Me- twirls my mustache aggressively when my husband makes me angry
***TRAVEL NEWS***
A truckload of E45 has overturned on its way to Sam from Cheers’ house. Agnetha from ABBA happened to be passing, so is helping to clear up the mess with a shovel.
See that girl.
Watch that scene.
Diggin’ the Danson cream.
tinting my car’s windows so people outside can’t see me eating soup
birds are named like red cockaded woodpecker and black headed grosbeak and no one says shit about it
Hotel clerk: You’re eligible for a room upgrade
Me: Sweet!
Clerk: Exactly
Ok gas pump, enough! Credit or debit? Zip code? Reward Card? Car Wash? Receipt? What octane? It takes less buttons to launch a nuke!
I just took an IQ test and apparently I’m a Libra?
Since retiring, my favorite time to get ready to leave the house is eventually.
this kid in kindergarten used to make fun of me all the time, then one day I couldn’t take it anymore so I ate all of his crayons while he was watching. I was so happy when he cried but I kinda regret it cause I ended up losing my teaching job
My daughter likes to give me her failed artwork, claiming it was made with all her love just for me. Then she grabs a new piece of paper to make her drawing better and keeps that for herself. Well played, little one. Well played.
“Oh, my, god. Becky, look at her butt!”
“DOCTOR PLEASE SHE IS CODING! NOW IS NOT THE TIME!”
The cool thing about driving 15 mph in a school zone is that it makes it so much easier to text.
imagine you’re on jury duty and the courtroom sketch artist draws stink lines above you
Me: Ahh finally, some sleep
My brain: Do saltwater fish get thirsty?
Me: Goddamnit
ATTORNEY: Ladies and gentlemen, how could my client have committed murder WHEN IT’S AGAINST THE LAW [whispering throughout courtroom]
[inventing the grinch] santa needs a wario
Just saw New England clam chowder, a soup that I thoroughly enjoy, described as “hot fish yogurt” and now I’m upset
Next time someone knocks on your bathroom stall say “Sorry, I’m with a client.”
If at first you don’t like the beard on your face, don’t worry; it will eventually grow on you.
ME: what’s wrong girl?
LASSIE: *barking and pointing at baby that fell down a well*
ME: yes, babies ARE stupid
I’ve literally never clicked copied and pasted text and thought, “I’m so glad it kept the formatting and font from the other document.”
Having a little nap on the sofa before taking myself up to bed for my main sleep; I call that a snors d’oeuvre.
My dad told my mom he’d never divorce her because he doesn’t want her that happy.
Boss: are you sticking to the schedule
Death: yeah of course
Boss: so you’re not killing anyone prematurely to gain access to their earthly wares
Death: *pauses brand new PS5* what are you getting at Roy
5-year-old: *glares at me* My shoe doesn’t fit.
Me: You grew. How is that my fault?
5: You fed me.
Whenever two people argue over something, yell out “OBJECTION” and then contradict the one wearing something you don’t like.
There is no casual way to ask someone to move in with you. It’s a very big step in any relationship. It takes careful planning & excellent timing to figure out how to approach that conversation. That said, it’s not impossible to lure a raccoon into your home. In this essay,