@DitzMcGeee

him: what are you writing?
me: an epic romantic novel.
him: nice! what’s it called?
me:

@DitzMcGeee

actually, my grandfather died in a pumpkin spice mine, but you go ahead; enjoy your murder latte.

@DitzMcGeee

[grocery shopping]

her: ma’am, can I help you?
me: I’m just waitin for church
her: for what? ma’am are…
*produce sprinkler turns on*
me: shh! It’s time, lettuce spray.
her: [bows head respectfully]

@DitzMcGeee

1969: i bet in 50 yrs, we’ll have a colony on Mars, & flying cars.

2019:

@DitzMcGeee

when i was a little girl, grocery carts were free range; you’d see them all over town, in ditches, ponds; free.

now, they’re locked in chain gangs, selling themselves for quarters. sad.

@DitzMcGeee

[a blind date]

me: you look disappointed?

him: your text said you model…

me: autocorrect must’ve changed it; i don’t model, i yodel. hey where are you going, should i just order for you?

@DitzMcGeee

beer bottle: if you break me? you get 1 year of bad luck.

mirror: aww, that’s cute. break me? you’ll get 7 years of bad luck!

condom: *walks away laughing*