50 might be the new 40, but the hundred dollar bill is now the new twenty.
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“ARE YOU NOT ENTERTAINED?!!”
I scream to my dogs as they all watch me trip, run into the coffee table and spill my coffee all over myself.
Catfishing my ex… So you could say we’re back together.
who’s your fav Disney Princess? Mine is the Italian chef who made an entire candlelit meal for two stray dogs and then serenaded them until they kissed
Somebody better tell me what extortion means or I am going to start breaking kneecaps
So when a bear steals a picnic basket it’s “endearing” and “funny” but when I do it it’s “rude” and “unsanitary”
We all make silly mistakes like when I asked the lady with massive lip injections if she was allergic to bees.
Two sales people approached me at the furniture store. I’m following the one who called me Miss. The Hello Ma’am one should take note.
I invited Jim for dinner
“Jim from church or Jim who travels everywhere by catapult?”
[Loud thud on the roof]
*sigh* “I’ll get the ladders”
🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣
It’s like the girl sitting in front of me on this bus doesn’t want me to braid her hair.
The club can’t even handle me right now. Like, the club’s just had a very emotionally draining day and the club’s been in a weird place.
The climate is probably out here trying to change for some man. Just be yourself, girl.
Whenever I worry if I’m being a good mom or not I remind myself that someone out there named their kid Abcde so the bar is like, really low
The hardest part of making new friends is weeding out the people who just want to sell you leggings.
Think I’m just going to tackle the next man who holds the door open for me and put a ring on him. Like we’re married now buddy, congrats
*thumb wrapped in giant bandage*
CW: Oh my God, what happened?
Me: Never challenge a hitchhiker to a thumb war.
In the 1930s, there was an outbreak of exploding trousers in New Zealand. Farmers had used a herbicide that became explosive when it dried.
If smartphones existed in the 80’s, most of us would have a parole officer.
Nothing sucks more than a Monday.
Daylight Savings Time: Oh hey guys!
F: Why do we even have toenails anyway? It’s not like we can pick our nose with them.
Me: speak for yourself
Placing quotations in “different spots” really give others the “false idea,” especially when I’m talking about their “wife.”
Eating food off the floor, taking pills, trying to chase away ghosts? I grew up to be Pac-Man
Lost my chapstick today, but a few hours later I found one on the floor of a men’s room at an interstate rest-area. Looks like my luck is finally turning around.
Justin Bieber’s career died for your sins.
My 5-year-old just asked if we could have Hotdog Bell for dinner.
There is no Hotdog Bell here.
I’m not sure if there’s a Hotdog Bell at all.
I hate when people refer to some tv shows or snacks as “guilty pleasures.” You shouldn’t feel guilty based on what you’re eating or watching. You should feel guilty all the time.
This has to be the worst date I have ever had. That includes the time that I accidentally answered my uncle’s personal ad….
I hope this cauliflower salad I’m bringing to the BBQ gets me laid.
ME: *gets slapped in the face by a small reptile*
“And that’s for being a jerk to your wife!”
~ Karma Chameleon