Funny Tweeter

Your daily dose of unadulterated funny tweets

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Page of Divergentmama's best tweets

@Divergentmama : When my kids were younger, I would dream about all of the awesome things they would do when they grew up.

Now I just hope one day they learn to how to pee in the toilet, close a cupboard and rinse a dish before putting it in the sink.

@Divergentmama: Me: [unsure about my hair]

Hairdresser: So, what do you think?

Me: OMG it's perfect, I love it so much, thank you!!

@Divergentmama: My friend wanted to cheer me up today so she's taking me to a painting class to paint Christmas gnomes.

And now I'm more sad because I have to find a new friend.

@Divergentmama: I just took a DNA test turns out I'm 100% a passive aggressive mom but if you called once in awhile you would know that.

@Divergentmama: [At the magic store]

Me: I need to return this - you told me it would ward off evil spirits in my home and it didn't work.

Employee: oh my goodness, are you ok?

Me: I guess, but I cast the spell and then the kids just walked in from school like normal.

@Divergentmama: My husband leaves town for a week: see ya!

I leave town for a week: here's the kids pickup and dropoff times at school, all 3 practice schedules, doctors and dentist appointments, shopping list, dinner menu and PLEASE DONT FORGET TO FEED THE KIDS.

@Divergentmama: My husband told me all he really wanted for our anniversary was for things around the house to be straightened up.

His invisalign arrives next week.

@Divergentmama: "Oh sweetie, it's AMAZING! I'm going to save your artwork forever*!"

*until you go to sleep and I can bury it in the garbage so you won't find it.

@Divergentmama: Me: when I was your age, I had to dial *69 to see who called me

My teenage son: nice

@Divergentmama: "In this household, there are parents trying to get their kids out of the house in the morning. These are their stories."

Law and Order: Missing Shoe