If bees have to die after they sting you, then at the very least I hope mosquitoes get hangovers that make them feel like death after they bite drunk people.
Why do I always find it necessary to announce “crap, I have the hiccups” like no one can hear the ridiculous noise my body is making?
“I’m not really hungry for dinner” is teenager for “you are definitely going to find 3 empty soda bottles and 16 fruit snack wrappers in my bedroom.”
[Texting with husband]
Him: I hate when you correct me and make feel like an idiot. Your lucky I love you so much
Me: awwww *you’re
I got so many steps at IKEA that my smart watch messaged me to ask if it had been stolen
Thunder only happens when it’s raining
Thundercats only happen when there’s no spaying
It’s just like the old saying goes… the family that plays games together – doesn’t speak to each other for the rest of the night
Him: you were having some crazy dreams last night
Me: good ones or nightmares?
Him: not sure but you kept kicking me
Me: ah definitely good ones
Sunday and Monday would be great names for twins if one was kind of normal and quiet and the other one was pure evil.
TV Show Pitch: 90 Day Parents, give kids to people without kids who think they have all the answers about raising kids so they can see how wrong they were.