Funny Tweeter

Your daily dose of unadulterated funny tweets

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Page of Divergentmama's best tweets

@Divergentmama : I don't understand why my husband has to pay for a UFC fight when he could just throw one piece of candy on the floor in front of our three kids.

@Divergentmama: Husband: you really should watch your language around the kids. I don't think you can go one day without swearing in front of them.

Me: wanna fucking bet?

Husband:

Me: ˢʰⁱᵗ

@Divergentmama: Welcome to your 40s - you now think every car has its brights on.

@Divergentmama: Sometimes you can't just tell your kids to make good choices, you have to show them.

Which is why I'm having strawberry toaster strudel and carrot cake for breakfast.

Eat your fruits and veggies kids!

@Divergentmama: When my kids were younger, I would dream about all of the awesome things they would do when they grew up.

Now I just hope one day they learn to how to pee in the toilet, close a cupboard and rinse a dish before putting it in the sink.

@Divergentmama: Me: [unsure about my hair]

Hairdresser: So, what do you think?

Me: OMG it's perfect, I love it so much, thank you!!

@Divergentmama: My friend wanted to cheer me up today so she's taking me to a painting class to paint Christmas gnomes.

And now I'm more sad because I have to find a new friend.

@Divergentmama: I just took a DNA test turns out I'm 100% a passive aggressive mom but if you called once in awhile you would know that.

@Divergentmama: [At the magic store]

Me: I need to return this - you told me it would ward off evil spirits in my home and it didn't work.

Employee: oh my goodness, are you ok?

Me: I guess, but I cast the spell and then the kids just walked in from school like normal.

@Divergentmama: My husband leaves town for a week: see ya!

I leave town for a week: here's the kids pickup and dropoff times at school, all 3 practice schedules, doctors and dentist appointments, shopping list, dinner menu and PLEASE DONT FORGET TO FEED THE KIDS.