I threw out all the clothes that no longer fit and now I’m a nudist.
You Might Also Like
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who sees you eating the chicken nuggets he said he didn’t want
“Dad, are we pyromaniacs?”
” Yes, we arson.”
#HatDadJoke
Bad luck, Atheists named Christian.
[Amphibian Playground]
BULLFROG: look at all u lil toad nerds
TOAD: help! a BULLYfrog!
TEACHER SNAKE: i’ll handle this *eats everyone*
Got a new mouse! Cut his tail off by mistake! 🙄
spending weeks telling my gf about the “special night” i have planned for us. then when the night comes she walks in and sees my gaming pc hooked up to the living room tv with wizard of oz blu ray menu open and a torrent called dark_side_moon.flac downloading with 5 hrs remaining
You may not like the word “moist” but the alternative is “endampened” and I’ll not have endampened cake.
I don’t hate children, just yours.
Flip your microwave on its side. It loves it.
“Hey, we see that everything you’ve ever watched has been in English, may we suggest something in German?”
-Netflix.
I went for a job interview.
The bloke asked, “Where do you see yourself in 10 yrs time?”
“Same as now – in photos and mirrors,” I replied
WATSON: do you even have a proper education?
SHERLOCK: Elementary, my dear Watson
WATSON: but, like, beyond that
SHERLOCK: nah
sometimes late at night i look up at the stars and wonder what life would be like if my hair was spaghetti. would i eat it? i prolly would. would i eat other peoples hair spaghetti? again, most likely yes
How to unravel a sweater…
A thread 🧵
I wear tap shoes to a restaurant on a first date, that way in case he tries to murder me the news outlets can say she was last heard wearing tap shoes.
I’m papering walls in the loo,
And quite frankly I haven’t a clue.
For the pattern’s all wrong,
Or the paper’s too long,
And I’m stuck to the toilet with glue.#ToiletPaperApocalypse #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes #Limerick
I see dead people.
Well technically they’re stupid people, but give me a few minutes.
“what’s your favorite childhood memory?”
not going to work.
any boring old meeting can become a seance if everyone works together
Saw a few feral dads at the grocery today. They’d lost their shopping lists and didn’t have phones. Store staff were attempting to feed them without being bitten.
Always a housemaid, never a house.
Why can’t I be rubied or diamonded. NOOO. I had to be jaded.
Me: *walks to counter* One large fry.
Cashier: Sir, there’s a line.
Me: Oh, they’re not with me.
I tell people that I’m a contact tracer but I’m really just being nosy
My 6-year-old: What’s the difference between a barracuda & a shark?
Me: When a barracuda is near, you’ll hear a guitar riff. When it’s a shark, you’ll hear a tuba.
Enough with emails already. I’m only conducting business communication by Snapchat from now on.
“I love you.”
“I love you, two.”
Because multiple personality disorder.
me: oh… exhibition game
rest of the basketball team: would you PLEASE put some clothes on
Real estate agent: You can’t get cell phone calls out here.
Me: We’ll take it.
Me: “Yes, finally! I got a nice, staple paying job!”
Friend: “Don’t you mean stable?”
Me: “Definitely not! I don’t even know if I have enough staples to afford a horse, let alone shelter it.”