Biden: Maybe we make our own country and he won’t be invited
Obama: Joe
Biden: And MAYBE THIS TIME WE CALL IT THE BLACK HOUSE RIGHT BARACK
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How often do you think they wash the Muppets?
I have an ungodly amount of Taco Bell hot sauce packets for being a grown woman who’s nutritionally responsible for two children.
I used to sneak out of my house to go to parties, now I sneak out of parties to go to my house.
Did you really get a crocodile tattooed around your belly button?
-IT’S AN ALLIGATOR KAREN. GOD YOU’RE SUCH AN IDIOT.
Hey dude, can i borrow your laptop? I want to shop for a new computer but it feels cruel to do that on the one I’m replacing.
Doctor-requested food diaries suck. Do you know how long it takes to eat a Family Size bag of M&M’s when you have to weigh each one?
Shall I compare thee to a summer’s day?
Thou art not as nice as this time last year.
I asked what I could bring for Thanksgiving this year and my mom said it was up to me so I’m bringing a wireless router.
My superpower is to wake up more tired than I was when I fell asleep.
The moral of Pinocchio is that lying is only bad if it’s really obvious.
We had a pleasant conversation about how we hate talking to people and then he said that this is a good reason for us to…
Me: … fall in love?
Him: … stop talking to each other.
how come nobody who hacks celebrities ever does anything funny with it? they just type the n word like that’s comedy gold. You just hacked the CEO of twitter, idiot, you could’ve said something like “I am pleased to announce we are merging with Facebook. More details to follow”
Billy Joel’s Friend: bill i hate that we’ve kept this from you, but.. we started the fire
Billy Joel: and you just LET me write that song?
If a performance is exceptionally bad, I throw potatoes. They’ll remember next time.
A brainwash actually sounds pretty nice right now.
“sir, can i ask why you’re smoking TWO huge blunts?”
“officer, I’m…”
*turns to camera*
“double jointed”
*cop starts breakdancing*
Why call it income when it outgo from bank account so fast?
IKEA violently attacking me for not having any friends
[long ago]
A: Ok, so let’s mush a tree to pulp and then make flat thingies out of it.
B: Great idea. Write that down.
A: Where?
Welcome to your 40s.
You remember your home phone number from when you were 11 but you can’t remember why you came upstairs.
*sees a bug in my apartment*
me: *yells at the spiderweb in the corner*
WHAT THE SHIT, FRANK?! WE HAD A DEAL
The 9:50 from Paris has been diverted. Nothing to do with the weather, we just don’t like the French.
Yelp is a fun game where you try to guess between whether a restaurant is bad or a reviewer is crazy.
I’d never impersonate an Uber driver and show up at your house.
That would be crazy.
[kool-aid man catches son sneaking in and smells his breath] is that…hawaiian punch?
“dad i can explain”
“What’s your band name?”
“The Who”
“The band?”
“Not The Band, The Who”
“Please don’t make me guess who”
“Not The Guess Who. The Band is a band but we’re the band The Who”
“May I have some of your drugs?”
Everybody complaining about how old Biden is, but not ONE person suggesting a viable plan to make him younger. Smh
I hate restaurants where they won’t let you bring your own mariachi band.
Bugs Bunny taught me my choices aren’t limited to fight or flight, I can also pretend I’m a pretty lady.
Who called baby elephants calves and not inphants