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do I have to register a drone if I only plan to use it to see where I left a cup of water without getting out of bed?
I’m most like a dog when after someone has hurt me I won’t get too close to them again.
Also when I’m eating food that fell on the floor.
New poster I stuck up at my local train station. I’m looking forward to catching up with everyone.
Airport Yelp reviews are like “security took forever, drinks are too expensive 1/5 stars. Will fly again”
Tired: Turner & Hooch
Wired:
My 7-year-old asked if people still need to go to the dentist in Heaven so I told her the truth, dentists don’t go to Heaven.
I pledged to pick up 10 pieces of trash on Tuesday. So, I’m going to Walmart to see if anyone needs a ride.
*adds humanitarian to resume
At the beginning of a long plane ride, I like to ask my husband why he loves me. His frantic look for an escape hatch entertains me.
I like dating chicks with kids, because snacks
Her: I like the man-horsey in this film. He’s hot.
Me: Centaur.
H: What?
M: Centaur
H: Is that his name?
M: I want a divorce.
I had to start baking my own cakes and cookies because I’m no longer allowed in the bakery, in my defense I thought those were all samples.
This morning my husband crooned “How’s my beautiful girl today” and I was feeling pretty damn good until I realized he was talking to the dog.
Good cop: We know it was you. Just confess.
Murderer: I didn’t do nothin’
Breaks the fourth wall cop: Your name in this tweet is Murderer.
[me narrating a documentary about the pyramids]
I really want a Toblerone for some reason.
Keep your friends close and a bag of chips closer.
Me: [opens up lunch at work to find an African Lion] if this is here, then-
Zookeeper: [opens his lunch and is mauled by a ham sandwich on rye]
Most people will give you their jacket if you’re naked and tell them you come from the future.
Hey ghosts, if you can fog up a mirror you can pick up a broom.
interviewer: any questions?
me: yes, what are your strengths?
Best translation fail. The arabic spells out a transliteration of ‘meat ball’ in English – which sounds like ‘mayit baul’, or Dead Paul.
whenever a man says he’s well endowed I always hope he means with a grant from the government for his new art project
Wait wait wait wait wait wait wait…
What if giving up is overrated?
scientist: the universe is 14 billion yrs old
me: i believe it
waiter: this plate is hot
me: yeah right *touches it*
“Don’t play with your food,” I say to a toddler eating crackers shaped like farm animals.
“midlife crisis” buddy i’m having a whole life crisis
I see you’re busy. I’ll come back and ruin your free time.
When you are having a new mattress installed, remember to hide your “toys” BEFORE the movers arrive.
T NOW! what do we want? MORE TIME-TRAVEL JOKES! when do we want them? RIGH
Like certain sexual acts I’ve engaged in, I don’t want to think about how blue cheese is made.
It tastes good and that’s all that matters.
No one rushes to view your WhatsApp status like people who have their read receipt off.