People found guilty of not using punctuation deserve the longest sentence possible.
next time you are washing your hands next to somebody…
cup your hands together until the water overflows.
then look at them and say:
This water is getting out of hand
Job interviewer: In the beginning, you’ll be earning $20 000, later on that can increase to $40 000. Me: OK, I’ll come again later then.
What’s green, fuzzy, has four legs, and will kill you if it falls out of a tree?
.
.
A pool table
Whenever Im in trouble, I think, What would Jesus do?
Then I pretend to be dead and disappear for 3 days.
How do you get the farmer’s daughter to fall in love with you?
A tractor.
Ive started investing in stocks… Mainly beef, chicken and vegetables. One day I hope to be a bouillonaire.
One of Santas reindeer served in the army with Tina Turner. Back then he was known as Private Dancer.
What do you call a denim expert?
A jeanius.
Spring is here!
I got so excited I wet my plants!
Which is heavier, the collected works of Shakespeare or a prison full of inmates? The prose outweighs the cons.
I dropped a bottle of ketchup on my foot yesterday…
it caused severe pain…
to… ma… toes…
I asked a barista why they were wearing a surgical mask.
they answered: It’s not a surgical mask, it’s a coughy filter
As I was getting into bed she said: You’re drunk.
I said, how do you know?
She said, You live next door.
The three things Im grateful for:
1. Family
2. Friends
3. Caller ID to avoid family and friends.