I asked a barista why they were wearing a surgical mask.
they answered: It’s not a surgical mask, it’s a coughy filter
As I was getting into bed she said: You’re drunk.
I said, how do you know?
She said, You live next door.
The three things Im grateful for:
1. Family
2. Friends
3. Caller ID to avoid family and friends.
I bought my friends an elephant for their room.
They said: Thank you.
I said: Please don’t mention it.
Unfortunately, Superman won’t be able to fight Dracula this evening…
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He won’t go near the crypt tonight.
A friend had a new baby girl.
Her coworker asked: “What’s her name?”
My friend replied: “Melanie Noelle.”
Her coworker: “How do you spell it, then?”
I just broke two of my dad’s old Queen Records. Now I want to break three.
Today, I saw someone waving and I wasn’t sure whether they were waving at me or at someone behind me. In other news, I was fired from my lifeguard job.
Is it crazy how saying sentences backwards creates backwards sentences saying how crazy it is?
My boss is going to fire the employee with the worst posture.
I have a hunch,
it might be me.
Why cant a bike stand on it’s own?
It’s two tired.
What do you call an alligator thats wearing a vest?
An investigator.
I lost my wife’s audiobook… and now I’ll never hear the end of it!
I was at a job interview today when the manager handed me a laptop and said: I want you to try to sell this to me. So I put it under my arm, left the building and went home. Eventually he called me and said: Bring my laptop back now. I said: $200 and it’s yours.
What do you do when your nose goes on strike???
You picket…