My wife traumatically ripped the blankets off me last night. But I will recover.
If the earth were flat, cats would have pushed everything over the edge already
How many mystery writers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Two: One to screw it almost all the way in and the other to give it a surprising twist at the end
I walked into a pub with my wife..
The Bartender asked: Would you like a drink for your wife?
I said That sounds like a fair swap
My office computer just crashed and now all the other computers have slowed down so they can see whats happening.
the main function of the little toe on your foot is to make sure that all the furniture in the house is in it’s place.
So Ive started a sarcasm club.
It would mean the world to me if you joined.
Every morning on my way to work, I slip on the frozen newspaper on our front porch.
I’ve fallen on some hard Times.
I hate it when people say age is only a number. Age is clearly a word.
In English, a double negative forms a positive. in some languages, like Russian, a double negative is still a negative. In no language in the world can a double positive form a negative.
yeah…. right…
I hired a roofer…
but then he came down with the shingles
What do you call a snake that is exactly 3.14 meters long?
A πthon
Army barbers get paid to shave their privates.
Officer: I’m arresting you for downloading the entire Wikipedia. Man: No wait! I can explain everything!
I was going to make myself a belt made out of watches but then I realized it would be a waist of time.