Got escorted out of a Chili’s happy hour for what the police are calling a “Weaponized Ponytail”
Just found $27 in my washing machine, it’s a bad day to be an Applebees happy hour
Her: I can’t do this anymore, you need to grow up
Me: *sticking my head out of the window of my Thundercats themed Tree House* Where’s this coming from?
Just saw an Orca shoplifting at Target
*job interview*
Me: Do you think my plants get disgusted when I have sex in front of them?
Interviewer: I.. I meant questions about the job
*first date*
Me: *in the bathroom texting my mom* Hey can you vacuum the food crumbs out of my racecar bed I think I’m gonna have sex tonight
*during sex*
Me: *unrolling a wrapper*
Her: you don’t have to use a condom
Me : *mouthful of fruit by the foot* oh cool
I did my spring cleaning, I now only have 14 contacts in my phone lol
About to go assert my dominance over the other dads in my neighborhood by washing, waxing and detailing my car, the war has begun
Women are too difficult, I’m gonna marry a poptart
Her: this isn’t going to work out
Me: *in the kiddie pool in full scuba gear* Why, what’s wrong?
How many times is too many times to say ” oh boy ” during sex?