Be the chaos you wish to see in the world:
You Might Also Like
11yo: Mom, can you look at the sky? It looks flat.
Me: That’s because it’s not real. You’re in the Matrix & they’ve got a second rate programmer on tonight.
11: Never mind.
Rum: We’ve replaced her depth perception with fun house mirrors, now we wait.
*misses last two stairs, face plants*
Rum: tee-hee
TOP PLACES TO DO KARATE IN FRONT OF:
1. Sunset
2. Crashing waves
3. Dad’s grave (as casket is lowered)
4. New stepdad’s face
5. Quiznos
“Axe” is not going to help you get girls, unless you spray it in their eyes then quickly chloroform them.
Me: *Living in the US for 16 years*
Me: *Calls mom in India everyday 9PM*
Mom: *Everyday* What time is it there?
#TrueStory
Both my wife and I work from home. She treats me as a colleague despite us doing completely different roles in very different industries. She keeps bouncing ideas off me to which I nod along helpfully. No idea what she’s talking about.
I can’t wait to find out who’s playing Donald Trump in the next season of American Horror Story
Man to Psychiatrist; Dr I’m very depressed, all my 3 sons want to grow up and want to be valets.
Psychiatrist; This is the strangest case of Parking sons disease I’ve come across.
A policeman stops a car…
Policeman: “Whose car is this, where are you headed and what do you do for a living?”
Miner: “Mine.”
Whenever I hear a lady in the next stall trying to unwrap a tampon as quietly as possible I yell, “HEY, IS THAT CANDY? CAN I HAVE SOME?”
Why does my computer always ask me if I’m “sure” about stuff? Yes, I want to delete my hard drive.
The lady on the news said that alcohol sales are down significantly in Alberta.
I’ve been sober for 57 days.So technically, I was on the news tonight.
For the past 3 years I’ve been playing this hilarious game where I steal pajamas from women I sleep with. So far I’ve acquired a total of 0 pajamas.
Me: When I was lying in bed, I found this huge lump. I need it removed.
Doctor: Ma’am, that’s your husband.
Me: And your point is…?
Why would America make the bald eagle its national bird when all they do is attack things and fly away and nevermind I think I get it now.
a thing that’s important in friendship is seeing something weird, taking a picture of it, then sending it to them and saying “that’s you”
Instead of death, we should just call it ‘eternity leave’
Hello Mr The Sun. I see you have once again lowered yourself to the exact height below my cars visor. Well played.
3: *wakes up before her brother* Mommy, I slept faster!
Me: In sleeping the winner is the one who sleeps slower
Excuse me lady, either your baby is crying or your tea is ready…regardless, fix that shit.
Lockdown upside: I have learned how to operate the 17 remote controls for the tv.
Chess is my favourite game but I don’t play favourites
handsome & gretel
“This is so relaxing, better than going out”, she thought as she did her own pedicure balanced on one leg like a flamingo.
Groundhogs around the world are sitting around complaining about Phil and how ‘he doesn’t deserve the fame for doing what ANY groundhog can do!’
Squirrels before girls.
A completely valid reaction tbh
HER: i’m leaving you
ME: is it because i get angry wrong?
HER: yes
ME: *balling toes* this is delightful
It doesn’t come up often in the movie, but one weapon we have against Predator is a handful of glitter.