Ignorance is bliss, and rampant.
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I live in fear of my kids going outside when it’s raining, because they could get wet and multiply.
“Another pancake?”
“No, honestly, 38 is enough for me”
When I die, instead of being cremated or buried, I’d like my body to be thrown out of a tree onto a group of teens
Coworker: Do u have a phone charger?
Me: No.
CW: How about the 1 on your desk?
Me: WHO ARE U CALLING A JIGGABOO LINDA?!
CW: OMG! *runs away*
My professor handed back our 3 page film essays to my surprise I got a C after class I asked her why “you were supposed to write it about the movie The Emperor of Time.. you wrote it on The Emperor’s new Groove but it was kinda good so I didn’t fail you” so thats how im doing
Kids’ clothes really need clearer labels stating when they are made of “scratchy stuff” or the printed size is “not true” or they are “too purple.”
[businessman shakes my hand]
Me: ahh yes, a handshake, from the handshake meme
Pizza shop said they loved unusual requests so I asked if they could find my dad.
COP: I need to search your car.
ME: Sure, google whatever you want officer.
Women in romance books: I know I just met him 3 days ago but I am in love with him.
Me: We’ve been dating for 8 years and I guess I like you.
Haven’t had a conversation like this in months
Happy Passive Aggressive day! Don’t worry, I didn’t want you to get me anything anyway. No, it’s fine. Don’t worry about it.
Your table is ready. Samantha will show you to your table by speed walking through our busy dining room. we will lose some of you in the process.
My favorite thing to do when my grandkids visit is to bake a big batch of fresh cookies.
Then I eat them all by myself.
Screw those kids.
“Oh no… Me think Jane home early.”
In my next life, I’m coming back as a baby
[Firing squad]
Sergeant: Blindfold?
Me: You promi—
Sergeant: Yes, yes, I promise nobody will tickle you
I wanted to do a random act of kindness, so I took a parking ticket off a car and threw it in the garbage. Boom ticket gone.
Hot seniors in your area want to complain about the weather
Yesterday I told my husband I was gonna get rid of all the kid’s toys because the house is full and today he told me I couldn’t buy any new ones, as if he thinks I meant it
[Weekend in NYC with my wife]
Wife: Did you know Comicon is in NYC this weekend?
Me walking out of bathroom in a Deadpool costume: No clue
A woman at work told me I had great energy which is entirely plausible as I just ate a lithium battery.
Missed Connection: You were dangling from a cliff. I was scrambling for my cell phone. You fell before I could take a picture.
Every time a bell rings an angel gets its wings. It’s always the same angel. It’s covered in wings now and wants to die but can’t
1938:
“It’s a bird!”
“It’s a plane!”
“It’s… Superman!”2013:
“Is that a drone?”
“Yeah, it’s probably a drone.”
It’s just like my grandma used to tell me, never teach a monkey martial arts
If you’re wondering what good can come from all of this, at least they’re now putting tamper seals on pizza boxes.
“Don’t you understand the basics of cuddling? You don’t struggle and I don’t hurt you.”
I like that in The Little Mermaid, Ariel & King Triton wouldn’t violate a contractual obligation, but they murdered Ursula with a ship.