Why?
How I answer every text when my friends with little kids ask me what I’m doing tonight
Related – I never babysit
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Inmate: Did you bring a cake with a file in it?
Me: *holding file folder containing cake photos* I may have misunderstood.
No matter which door you go in at the Home Depot, you’ll always exit the farthest one from your car.
trying to convince my straight friends it’s homophobic to not buy gay people presents during pride month
I told the kids if they’re not good we’re flying United this summer.
In the event of a robot invasion, show them a photo and ask them to point out the street signs. It fries their circuits and they explode.
I taught myself how to play the drums and I’m not very good at it. How can I tell if I’m a bad drummer or a bad teacher?
sneezy geese carry a honkerchief
ME: Is it true, if you die in the Matrix, you die in real life?
USED CAR SALESMAN: Again, the Toyota Matrix is a very real car, and crashes can be fatal, yes
10 anti-Valentine’s Day cards that are perfect for your ex
*suddenly pulls away from kissing* BUT WHERE DOES THE STORK GET THE BABY FROM?!?
Capt of Titanic: “Mayday! We are sinking”
Coastguard: “What happened?”
*Cthulhu makes throat-slit gesture with tentacle*
Capt: “Iceberg”
I wanted to look sharp!
Wore my smarty pants & thinking cap.
Then, I lost my shirt & knocked my socks off…
Now, I look like an idiom.
so you’re telling me a boot cut these jeans
I think a Muppet should host the presidential debates
Parental pro tip: Take your kids to the mattress store at the mall and skip the trampoline park.
I hate it when I see an old person and then realize we went to high school together
agenda 4 today:
•shower
•cheerios
•shower-cheerios?
•”hike”
•Photograph a mountain lion
•get mauled by 2nd (hiding) mountain loin
My ex boyfriend listens to Christmas music year round and that’s not even the worst thing about him.
Google “cat”. Tap paw.
– just do it!!
But, soft! What light through yonder window breaks? / Are you still on your iPhone even though you said you were going to sleep?
me: [arguing] oh so I’m too bossy?
girlfriend: I think I need a break
me: [checks clipboard] says here you already had one today
when i go to an improv show and they ask for a suggestion i always scream out “don’t do any improv”
My son is petrified of thunder. I told him that is ridiculous, it’s the lightning that will kill him.
If there’s a fine line between being too quiet and saying way too much, i’ve never found it
me at family reunion: im sick of you being called the cool one
brother who once attended a taping of the price is right: it is what it is
It’s almost September so here’s a list of all the fun things I’ve done this Summer:
1-
2-
3-
4-
5- sweat
*a single grain of pollen enters my nose*
My sinuses: We refuse to work in these hostile and unsafe conditions
i don’t always carry my groceries on one arm but when i do my keys are in the wrong pocket
you should always wash your sheets once a week in case they are really ghosts and need a shower
*pregnant wife wakes up*
I think my water broke
*I hide the Kool-Aid packet and water jug I spilled in bed*
Let’s go to the hospital